Kwanzaa: Ujima

Ujima: To build and maintain our community together and make our sister’s and brother’s problems our problems and to solve them together.

We have been given an order a demand by the creator of the universe to take care of one another. To make your issue my issue. To not close our eyes when another is wounded but to ask, how can I help? When there is trash on the street it doesn’t matter if you put it there or not it is our command from the first Adam to have dominion over the earth, sea, animals, and land and to pick up that trash.

I am a black trans man I am not a thief. I am not a nigger. I am not a low life. Just because I come from poverty I am not poverty. Just because I struggle with a mental illness I am not my mental illness and it is not all of me. Just because I am on disability that doesn’t mean I don’t work nor am I lazy. I am a student and scholar in the making studying and pursuing and double master’s degree. No ma’am, no sir just because I wear a dark hoodie you don’t need to follow me around the store. Just because I smile at you doesn’t mean I intend to cause you harm. Why are you so afraid of the color of my skin? Am I not more than my blackness? Can you not see that I belong to a family? Officer, please don’t search me, not all black people look alike. Officer, please don’t shoot at me use your words. I am educated and can speak eloquently. If you don’t stop to ask my name or ask my story, you’ll never know. Will you?

“The only thing about rivers is you can’t step into the same river twice. The waters are always changing always flowing… and we all must pay a price to miss a chance at never knowing” Pochantos (Disney 1995)

To everyone we only have one earth. Yes, it costs more to go green but it hurts a lot more to die. We are killing animals, homes, and the earth. We are responsible for the calamity and destruction we must change our ways and do it NOW! We must demand that the gov’t hear our voices and make our votes count or vote them out. We must stand up for what is noble, pure, good, wholesome, loving, kind, and decent; sacred. I want kids and grandkids and great-grandkids. I want to change this earth for foster youth behind me and foster young adults I can’t do that if we all keep our eyes closed hoping for the next person to fix it.

Ujima is a call to action. A call to authority. I am first a Child of the God, a Black, African American Queer Man! I will be treated with dignity and respect and value. I will treat this earth with respect and kindness and dignity. I will start this year, NOW demanding my rights from my gov’t to vote freely and fairly and lastly I will be my brother’s and sister’s keeper.

What is your Ujima?

Joyous Kwanzaa. In Memory of oh Rep. John Lewis

Kwanzaa: Umoja

Today is the first day of Kwanzaa it is Umoja which means Unity and it was an amazing day. Christmas brought a day of blues, I had no electricity and heat and my animals were so cold I thought that they had died. It was a day of despair. I stayed in bed. It started on Christmas Eve when I realized this would be another holiday alone no parents, or friends, or mentors, just me. I wanted to blame it on covid but this is every year. Last time I had a real Christmas I was a teen with my foster family around a tree opening gifts and I was too mentally ill to appreciate it. I wish I could take those days back. Because now those days are bleak.

It’s interesting that Kwanzaa started on a Sunday. My favorite day of the week because I love hearing sermons from Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation Church. Unity to me was texting a few friends but reconnecting with Jesus on an in-depth level in knowing I may not wake up to family nor hear from them anymore but I have so much to be grateful for my and the idea of a family for me has evolved. I have a Continuum Family, my mentor mommy is pregnant and married, I have my foster family, I have pets and friends I made across the world from Elevation church. I also had top surgery and I feel great becoming the man I was and always have been.

Umoja has evolved it’s not just being around the people you are born to but those you surround yourself with and allow yourself to love you. Covid has allowed me to broaden myself, even more, public speaking engagements have started and I have created friendships and am starting graduate school at an all-accepting Christian University studying Social Work and Positive Psychology. Umoja means the unity of dreams coming true, communities coming together, and self-growth.

I’m grateful. This has been a sad year regarding covid and deaths. However, relationships have budded in my life and ended. All are considered a blessing. I worked two jobs one educating k-1 students and a second helping homeless veterans.

What really put the icing on the cake tonight was that I realized every tear I cried Jesus caught and put in a jar. And he (Jesus) also cried too. Every time I wanted to give up there was an angel sent my way. Every time I was hungry and had no food or money God sent angels to help me out. He also sent me a brother. I’ve never been alone in my darkest hour. I remember what makes Christmas so great was that God was silent for over 400 hundred years and the hope was that he was sending a Messiah and he sent a baby. Jesus came into this world as King but as one of us needing naps and diaper changes too. He came lowly and rose highly. Then he died on a cross for our sins if you choose to believe so that there will never be years of silence between creation and God again. I found hope in this. I knew this. But to hear it again with compassion, humor made me cry I and I felt my pain release. I knew I can no longer look back. My trauma is just that trauma, not my future. My past will help me be a better person, social worker, and psychologist. My trauma will be my motivator, not my hinder.

I’ve been released. Joyous Kwanzaa indeed it has been for me. Umoja Everyone May You All Have A Story To Tell

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I cannot make you get a booster. I wish you saw the death that I have because that might change your mind. It’s hard to accept. It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that you can die of this awful disease that has killed almost 800,000 Americans and 5 were my friends and 3 family members. It’s hard to reach out to you because you don’t read but watch the world but through the tv. You won’t pick up a book or an article. You’re no longer an educator, you’re just existing just a shell of the woman I once knew. You take medication from doctors not knowing what it is. You’re having surgeries and you have no idea what they’re doing but it’s science; so is the booster. I’m immunocompromised and already had the stomach flu. I have other mothers I’ll make it. But I cannot have someone who can put my life in jeopardy around for me or my one-day future kids. We can talk via Whatsapp. But we can no longer see each other. I know you’ll see this as black and white but there is so much grey. I love you but I cherish my health more. If you decided to get the booster then we can hang again if not this is the path you have chosen and you have really lost two children. One because he is an asshole and the other because of your choice. I pray to hug you again and kiss you. I wish you well. I’m losing you twice once to foster care and this time to covid vaccine denial and that shouldn’t be the answer. I also need space to digest this. I probably won’t call for a while. It’s just so hard. But I needed to make this statement so the world could hold me accountable. Talking to you is painful for I don’t know if it’s going to be my last and I want to be able to control that and not a disease. So I’m saying goodbye for now but not forever. One day I hope you will have your child back. It’s been a great year with you in my life. I’ll cherrish it as if it’s been a decade. I will honor you and respect you.

You Son,

Domenia Zih.

Thanks n Pain

I woke up with the intention of this day being a great day. I wrote in my prayer journal telling Jesus what I’m thankful for and I meant every single word. I spent the holidays alone and after overcoming foster care and homelessness being alone on the holidays isn’t as tough. I have a home to be alone in and that makes a difference. I’m thankful. I was able to text and video my birth mom and even see my biological family and that’s where things went sour. I was called a n*igga because my Baptist family disrespects me and doesn’t accept me as a transgender man. I was called my *dead nickname instead of Zih or my preferred birthname Domenia. I was ignored and passed from family member to family member I haven’t seen in years who weren’t interested in me and my favorite aunt called me a n*igga. I refused to let that spoil my ground turkey taco day. I hung up with texted friends and supported and listened to sermons and I prayed. I felt at peace. I felt a stillness like God had heard me and I would be vindicated through love, not through wrath or vengeance. I don’t believe God is like that. Tacos were yummy. My friends were also isolated from families’ newbies in the game (it’s sad that that’s what I call it but it’s my numbness to it). I texted that aunt telling her to “never disrespect me again. My name is Domenia Zih. Just call me Domenia if you have nothing else to call me. I haven’t seen you in years. I froze when I saw you because I couldn’t believe it was you and you were alive. You are my favorite aunt. Who won’t respect me as a transgender man? Goodbye then. I’m done with the Dickey’s I’m not one of you guys and never have been. Don’t you ever call me a n*igga again or else I will sue you and bring you to family/civil court. Good Bye”

She texted me back explaining she always says that and I know it. I responded “I don’t know you. I was homeless for over 3 years and you were nowhere to be found. I tried to call you and get your son who I call my little brother sneakers and you wouldn’t respond to me. I tested you asking you to talk to me and why won’t you talk to me? I asked why are you judging me for being transgender when you are a minister? You remain quiet for years.” She sent laughing emojis so I contacted Verizon and blocked her. before I blocked her I warned her if she “reaches out to me again were going to court and I’m calling the cops for harassment and I meant it”

Why am I telling you this because this was painful? Something I have been avoiding experiencing. This experience proved growth. If this same experience happened to me before I was on my meds and found a home I’d be in the hospital for a suicide attempt. This experience allowed me to see my life differently and how I used to respond to situations and I don’t think if I hadn’t started my testosterone, my schizophrenia injection, or meds I would be able to tell this testimony. I’m not going to let anyone steal my joy or the progress I’ve made. I’m starting graduate school on Jan. 3rd, 2022. I’m no longer the victim but the victor. I am powerful. I am an overcomer. I am courageous. I am of good courage. I am a winner. I am a child of God. I am noble. I am patient, kind, loving, and peaceful.

Guess what, so are You, YES YOU!

Don’t let anyone pull you out of your character and make you feel less than a person or a child of the highest God. Don’t let anyone pull negativity out of you when out of you flows oils of mercy and meekness. Don’t let anyone treat you like shit either. Stand up for yourself with decency and integrity. count every day above the ground as a day to give thanks not just one day a year. You can accomplish your dream and aspire to achieve higher. I believe in you

Happy Thanksgiving.

Me!