But, God!

I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

But, God!

But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

But, God created my treatment team

But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter 

But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

But, God gave me back my parents

But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

But, God helped me graduate from PBA

But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

Now, God will continue to see me through.

Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

I am never alone.

With the many faces, I see

The many voices I never hear

As long as the season change

As long as children still play and laugh

As long as babies are born

As long as trees give shade in the sunlight

Days are longer, not shorter

And the Sun rises as the Moon Sets

I am never alone

 

Depression; defeat and conquer

When I think about depression, I think about two words “defeat and conquer”. Depression is a bitch, and there honestly nothing poetic I can say about it. It steals your life, and its a battle to survive. As if life isn’t hard enough. I’m diagnoses with bioschizoaffective disorder, a fancy way of saying bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. A world of chaos. One day I’ll write about my mania and psychosis. Not today.

Depression starts off feeling like minor aches in your body, and then comes fatigue, you may feel like your getting a cold. So you rest, naturally and then the next morning your can’t get out of bed and if you’re like me, you just said “Fuck, I’m crashing”. You spend about an hour coaching yourself out of bed to get to work, putting on the morning radio, but then you’re annoyed by the sound of others people morning joy. So you turn it off. Taking a shower is like world war 3, and all you visualize is the lost of lives and you’re not sure how to keep going.

By now I’m debating if I want to call out of work, so then I rationalize my choices, miss a day of pay or fight. Fight it is! You’re dressed and running late, so no breakfast. Now you have no energy to start your day off because of the chemicals in your brain, but also because you lacked your basic needs of necessity. Coffee, is the solution, and you fake the day through. I work as a barista and I realize I’ve drank about 10  shots of espresso by 11am, because my brain levels are off, and I’m depressed. The only thing that consumes my mind is either killing myself, or sleeping it away.

Mind you, the first person I should have called was my psychiatrist, but nope I text my friend. As if they have the magic pill to take away my pain. Sometimes this mean people will go out and drink, but for me it becomes crippling, and if you’ve never experienced what I’m talking about you don’t really know. You’re annoyed, and irritated with life. You’re contemplating ending your life and it’s tiring. Your friends says “this too shall pass” and with as much truth it holds, you know that it might not. This could be that one depressive episode that destroys it all, and you kill yourself. So, what I did was tell my friend to “fuck off”.

It’s 4pm and you have homework to do, but you just getting home from work, and you can’t focus on anything but your despair. You take your 9pm meds at 4:30 pm and just sleep hoping tomorrow will be better, you don’t shower, nor brush your teeth or eat dinner. It’s all to much. Your brain is telling you to end your life and resting is your only peace.

You’re asleep.  Dreaming about death, and you feel a coat of black death and a sense of heaviness overcome you, like God has just abandon you and Satan is in your bed.

What do you do?

Call your doctor? Call your therapist?

No!

You call out of work, no homework, laundry is pilling up and you haven’t showered in four days, and you need help.

One time I called 911 and just went to the hospital. I was so suicidal and depressed I become psychotic in the most miserable way and was hospitalized for two months. On 1:1 because if I was left alone I’d hurt myself. Staff had to help me shower because I couldn’t take care of myself.

This time, I have more trained support around me, and my doctor is notified and I get a medicine increased. I shower for 5 minutes and really fast. I brush my teeth and never look back at my bed, because if I do, I’ll never get back up. I do things in little sparks of energy, and rest when needed. I’ve learned to how to be depressed. I think about killing myself and then I rationalized through question: “is the forever or temporary?”

I’m depressed and this is my story, this is my pattern. I’m changing it though with every episode. I remember how I was so depressed and crippled by it last semester I did a few assignments a day, and just slept. No work. Then after a test it felt like a touch from the heavens and the depression was lifted. Like my new medicine just made contact with the right part of my brain and I was healed.

I’m waiting for that magic to happen again. I’m going to work, not calling out. I’m showering. But I’m resting a lot. I went to bed at 7pm last night and work up at 11am. I’m not really smiling and my thoughts are tormented by suicidal ideas. I’m doing a lot better than before. I’m making progress and its brings me a sense of hope.

I would suggest to the next person who stumbles across this post and can relate, reach out before it’s to late. Even if you tell your provider or someone “I’m crashing” you won’t have to crash alone. I wrote a blog that is titled “I’ll Make It” and I read it to remind myself that I will. So you will too. I want to say God is there, and he hears you but I don’t feel comforted by that during this episode. It makes me angry and confused. What I will say is that God will provide you with the tools and people to get you through, you just have to identify them.

 

God Bless. (sorry for the grammar mistakes, I needed to write this, when my mood is up I’ll edit it.)

Domenia Dickey

 

Yolanda Adams- Thank-you. Please read and share!

Everyone who knows me, knows that Yolanda Adams is my favorite singer. However, not many people know why. So here it is:

I first heard Yolanda Adams in 1995. I was 5 years old, and I asked my aunt to turn of the music, she refused. My aunt told me that there would be a day that I would need gospel music. She was right. A week later, I was raped by my mom’s boyfriend; scared, crying with a gun held to my head, I heard her music that a neighbor was playing. I found rest and peace in her music from a young age. I was raped, and abused repeatedly by my mom’s boyfriend, I was abused physically by my twin brother every day, for 10 years. All I could do was sing “The Battle is Not Yours, It’s the Lords.”

Every time I was raped, hit and experiencing abuse, a stranger who knew nothing of me, was playing/singing Yolanda Adams. Through her music at a young age, I was able to hold true to my faith in God, and I believed that it had to get better. One night, coming home from school the door bell rung, it was a state social worker, telling me that I was leaving my house and was put into a foster care. I felt relief finally I was being saved, and Ms. Yolanda Adams was right–“Not matter what you are going remember this God only wants a chance to use you, for the battle is not your’s.”

I thought my life was finally changing, and it did! Not for the good. I was placed in my grandmothers home, and experienced physical abuse from my cousins, and verbal abuse from aunts and uncles. I was told “your just like your mother” “your mother doesn’t love you” “that’s why you were raped” “you don’t deserve a family” I went to bed crying, and went to church praying. They only thing I had the encouraged me, and allowed my heart to not become bitter was her voice, and the words in her songs. At 15 my mother told me “I don’t know how to love you.”

When I was 11 years old, I attempted suicide for the first time. I cut my wrists, and then I remember in a song she said “don’t give up, step out on faith” and I called 911. I was later diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, and PTSD. I experienced pain and abuse that my mind turned. I live with an incurable disease. I lived in a mental hospital for over a year, in the hospital and I heard people singing her music (new music) and I would cry and pray. I was only 11, lost and alone, but I felt as though she understood and was saying to God what I couldn’t verbally say.

I found faith, and began to believe in myself. At a young age even lead a few youth in foster care to Christ, because of her music. I found solitude in school, and I flourished. I was good, and I realized I was smart. Although I lived in group homes, and residential homes I started to buy her cd’s. Determined, I bought every cd by her, until I knew God for myself, and was able to testify.

I went through court dates, depression, more hospitalizations, interviewing for families hoping to get adopted. Never happened! All I had was the word of God, music, social workers, therapists, and school. Finally, I found a church, and a spiritual mom, who helped change my life. I finally found someone I could call, pray with, laugh with, and cry with. Someone who wouldn’t reject me. Someone who loved me for me. I wish that she was my real mom, and often wished that she’d adopt me. I love my Mommy! I found my sister in Christ, who was my social worker, and now is my big sister. Similar to my spiritual mom she has opened her home to me, her family and answers every time I call. Over time I started to create my own family, and built a lifestyle based on the songs sang by Ms. Yolanda Adams.

Every time I’ve been hospitalized due to my health, and moved I’d listened to her music. I watched her performances. I followed my dreams. I gave my life to Christ. I give back to youth in foster care. I’m 23 years old, in college, eventually hoping to attend law school, become a politician. Newly engaged! Living with an illness. Thanks to Ms. Yolanda Adams, my mom, sister, church family-I’m following my dreams. I am changing my life, and creating a better future. I am a scholar. I have a voice. I can make a difference, and will.

Share this! Maybe Yolanda Adams will read it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet her. I pray I do. However, I just wanted to tell you “Thank-you” for you have changed my life and helped my heart healed. Because you stayed true to yourself, and God–I am doing well. I play your music when I’m stressed, happy all the time. I minister to young people, and have a huge heart. Thank-you.

-Domenia “Mia” Dickey