Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Kwanzaa 2020: Umoja

Kwanzaa:

The time of the year when I blog the most however, this year my soul is in a hidden place.

Nguzo Saba:

I am We

I am because We are.

Covid almost choked the heart of my african heritage out of me.

I refuse to let it go

I held strong to the memories layed down before me across the road traveled before

I celebrate with tears

My shelter of safety with those I once a year put politics aside and celebrate what makes me BLACK and African American is shattered.

The glue has worn off

My elders are sick

The little ones I do not know

Umoja into the abyss

There are no more teachers or lessons; I have the degree

There are no more cooked meals and laughter

No more dancing and singing

Celebration of faith

Umoja dismayed

However Umoja is ingrained in my heart. woven with a needle. pierced with hot stamp

Umoja with me

Umoja is me forever.

Umoja as a trans queer christian man

Umoja means unity.

Joyous Kwanzaa!

Just BLACK n’ scared

I’m angry. I’m pissed. I’m hurting. There’s not a word magnificent enough nor profound enough to express how black and scared I am. I am a black trans man. The rate of me being killed are high by a policeman, by a white person, and by a black person. Does my life matter? Or am I just a mere atom taking up space in what we call existence waiting to die and decompose in the ground. To die the black illnesses high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, Covid-19 or worse by the gun of a white man; a white cop?

Out of mind out of sight! or is it Out of sight out of mind?!

When is one black life enough? When does it stop? How do I tell young black men, young trans men you have a future when in reality their life is seconds away from none…

White people. White fucking people! WHITE MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE, will you stop killing me? White people, what is one black life worth to you? WHITE PEOPLE, hear the cries from the earth. All we want to do is live! We get it your better than us. We get it you deserve all the power. We get it your superior to us. We fucking get it. So I ask BLACK PEOPLE, we have to force change and challenge that ideology in order for change to come.

WHITE PEOPLE, we can buy your clothing and organic food. We can speak like you and attend your schools. (sometimes!) We can hide our blackness but as the sun fade, you only see our teeth. As the sunshine, we only look like a shadow.

WHITE PEOPLE, what the fuck are you afraid of? What the fuck are you afraid of? Why are you killing our sons and daughters? Why are we falsely accused of crimes we didn’t commit? Why do we live in the slums?? Why do we pay to your tithes and offerings for your churches to grow and build more Starbucks and were looking for a Dunkin Donuts.

BLACK PEOPLE RAISE YOUR VOICE! YES!!!! YES!!! I’m screaming…You can’t hear my voice so hear my words. I’m SCREAMING and pulling my hair…MY PEOPLE ARE DYING…EVERY DAY…EVERY YEAR..more death after death it is something that has come to be the daily norm and WHITE FUCKING PEOPLE walk away with good conscious and a clear record.

BLACK PEOPLE let’s mobilize. BLACK PEOPLE let’s organize. SYSTEMIC Racism is a disease and we must find a cure for it ourselves. WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES. I’m Angry. I’m Hurt. I’m Scared. If I don’t look the right way or answer in the correct tone my name may be next in the news..

GOD HEAR OUR CRY. FORGIVE US. CHANGE US. HEAL US. Black people and White people. GOD you see no color. God, you see your children. GOD you see no orientation you see your people. Jesus, you see your brothers and sisters. Jesus, we are the ones you died for and we are dying every day.

Mr. Domenia Xih Zih

BLACK PEOPLE cry out to the sun and moon. BLACK PEOPLE jump and shout until there is a mighty earthquake. BLACK PEOPLE stop killing each other as a white person show. BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. BLACK GAY PEOPLE. BLACK MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. BLACK INCARCERATED. BLACK FREE PEOPLE. BLACK CHILDREN. BLACK MEN. BLACK WOMEN. BLACK TRANS PEOPLE. BLACK NON BINARY PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. GOD’s PEOPLE.

CRY

SCREAM

SHOUT, MAKE A MIGHTY RAWR

I’m fucking angry. I’m hurting and this pain doesn’t go away. I numb it. BUT NO MORE. NO MORE I SAY. NO MORE!

BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE LET’s BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE. LET’s DEMAND THE CHANGE WE NEED. LET’s HEAL OUR PEOPLE. LET’s EDUCATE our people starting out with lesson one: WE ARE BLACK and BLACK FIRST. Unapologetically BLACK. WE ARE the successors of SLAVERY. We OVERCAME JIM FUCKING CROW. WE ARE STRONG. WE WILL FUCKING DEFEAT DONALD JACKASS TRUMP!!!! WE ARE MIGHTY IN THE LAND. WE ARE BLACK. and yet SCARED!

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Strength

When we hear the word “strong” it’s often associated with the idea of physical strength. I challenge you to think about emotional strength. Emotional strength comes from your inner being, at the core of who you are, there’s no other strength like it. I’ve survived rape, neglect, physical and emotional abuse; people ask how am I not bitter? How am I still functioning? How do I still smile. I reply “God.”

I will forever state that “we are spiritual beings having a humanistic experience.” Whether you would like to admit it, or not, you’re a spiritual being living the human experience. You inner being is what strengthens you when you want to give up and give into the negativity within this humanistic experience.

You can’t become physically strong without a continual work-out routine, commitment to a healthy diet and probably help from a physical trainer. It takes time, dedication, hard work, and desire. There’s no difference with emotional strength! We don’t choose the cards we are dealt in life, we can’t change the past, the hurt, abuse and misunderstandings. However, you have a choice!Will allow your circumstances to strengthen you emotionally, and spiritually or destroy you;sometimes it will require reaching out to others, but often it’ll require having faith in a high power, and knowing in your heart that, no matter what it looks like; you have what it takes to make it!

It’s not fair, the pain we have to go through living this human life. It hurts to cry and not have someone to hold onto you. It hurts when a love one dies, and you’ll never get to see them again. It hurts! It sucks! It’s what you do with the pain that makes the difference for your life and the lives of others.

Think of life as a gym membership, you’re signed up, and your intentions are to physically look the best and to be in a healthy shape and feel the best; so you work at it. You commit yourself to a work-out routine. You discipline yourself to eat healthy and then after a while you’ll start to see the change. That size 10 will become a size 8. 🙂

Allow your experiences to build you, make a commitment to yourself; believing irregardless of what comes, I (you) will make it. You’re a survivor! You’re a winner! You’re a conquer. You have to be there for yourself when, no one else is there. You have to believe that you have been given the tools to handle everything you will experience. Believe that whomever your high power/deity is, for me it’s “Jesus” has your best interest at heart and will not let you fall so far down, that you cannot be saved.

My strength comes from my commitment to my mental health, religious support, community support, friends and mainly myself. Things always work our the way they are meant to be, and I believe even if you don’t that there is a God who loves you, looking out for you and wants you to trust your inner strength.

You can do all things through Christ (whomever you diety or God is) that has given you STRENGTH!

Blessings,

Domenia L Dickey