Lament to Ascent

I lost me

I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.

A hollow mere image of a man who once smile

Did I break or whither in the sun

I open my mouth and nothing comes out

There are no more tears to cry

There is no anger to feel

My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic

I have nothing but body aches and pain

There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper

This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace

This is my Lament.

Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story

I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior

Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows

I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.

I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.

For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.

Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain

Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.

I will boast and not post.

Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.

On my worst days are he is still at his best

On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.

This is my ascent.

Finding Joy

Everyday it’s a struggle, even with the medication. It seems like we haven’t found the right mix of medication yet.I had’t written on my blog because, I vowed to make this blog a blog of inspiration and hope. Not a blog of anger, sorrow and hate. So, I hadn’t written because I was depressed for almost three months.

A lot has happened in three months.

 

I wanted to say, that in the midst of darkness when you feel like giving up hold on. When you don’t hear the voice of another living soul hold onto the voice that is true to who you are. Sometimes not even God will respond, but you still have to hold onto the messages that was last spoken to your heart. I’ve lost a lot of relationships, a lot of friends, a fiancee, forever family, a home money and almost my mind but I still had a part of me. A part of me that knew my worth, knew my truth, knew what was right, honest and good.

With bipolar disorder and any mental illness, it’s hard. Not impossible. My pastor once told me to never curse my crisis. Sometimes, I want to and I come close to it, but when it’s over I see Glory and I feel VICTORIOUS.

I had been depressed for about 3 months. I’m still in and out of depression, and then one day I got a 95% on an exam. School means a lot to me because it’s my passion, but depression was stealing that joy from me. That 95% released me from that. Yes, I’m still semi-down and having crying spells, but it’s not as bad. That 95% gave me hope, that this depression is going to lift. As hard as I studied for that mid-term exam, if I keep fighting it will lift 100%.

Tears won’t always flow. There will be sunshine. So I guess to my readers, and to myself, remember this. It’s okay to cry, but find more reasons to smile and laugh. Life is short, take all the good you can out of it.