Tag Archives: prayer

Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization




Kwanzaa: Nia

Nia: Purpose A Prayer for you.

I pray 2022 is Better than any year you have ever experienced in your life. You have a purpose! You were not put on this earth to just live a mediocre life but to be a world-changer, and history maker in your own unique way. If no one ever tells you this know I believe in you and am praying for your success and happiness. I pray for you have the power to endure every trial and hard time that comes. As pastor Steven says “you’re either entering a storm, leaving a storm, or about to enter a storm.” I pray for you to open the door to joy. I pray your family is blessed your children are blessed and your children and their children are blessed. I pray this year instead of seeking material items that fade you seek smiles and make memories. I pray for you to accomplish goals and are not self-critical. Please know we’re all on a journey in life at different stages and no one is better than the other no matter the milestone, degree, income amount, social status, or political party. I pray you to find faith in a higher power. It may be different than mine but something outside of yourself and the human construct. I pray you educate yourself on something new become friends with someone different; someone of a different skin tone, religion, political party, and social class. I pray for you to discover the mysteries this life has to hold. For it is in the beholder of breath that these things are revealed.

You have a purpose. I know a part of mine but every day and with every class and obstacle I overcome I discover more of it. Time your testimony and treasure who you unveil your testimony to. I believe God has a designed life for you to live an abundant life and it will be great. God loves you. Whether you believe in him or not. Jesus loves you. That’s the point of Easter’s Resurrection. I pray that whomever you call your God is kind, gentle, and loving towards you and your family. I believe we are connected for a reason greater than our own four walls of life but we have to open the doors to find out. God is knocking and wants us to answer the call to live; God wants us to live. Live abundantly, graciously. gratefully and loving.

You have a purpose.

Joyous Kwanzaa

Ujima, a collective responsibility.

UJIMA (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our people’s problems our problems, and to solve them together

Our government and our world didn’t become poorly overnight. It took the collective works and was the responsibility of our leaders. Global Climate Change didn’t occur overnight it was a slow collective effort of the greedy, and unawareness of others. The United States deficit didn’t happen overnight it is the result of the collective works and responsibility.

Ujima means we all take responsibility for our action and we commit to trying to make a difference for the year collectively. It’s an agreement made with our heart and mind signed on a contract with mother earth/universe. We need to no longer beat our selves up and keep blaming politicians when WE ALL had a part in destroying our planet, our country, and future generations. 

We need to make a commitment to do better and aim higher. We still have time. The earth isn’t dead, yet. We can still change global hunger, stop wars, save refugee people, provide medication to the poorer countries. We can still do better. As a country we can get out of debt, we can save our government and appoint leaders who can lead it with dignity, respect, integrity, and personal accountability. 

Ujima is the collective works and responsibility of each individual equally.  What can you do to be the change and leader America needs today? What can you do? What can we do? Do we even know what our responsibilities and roles are? No longer can we afford to blame others even if they’re in the wrong. What good is it? Be the needed change we want to see. Our children are dying, and it’s harder to afford higher education. Our children are hungry. Our children do not have good health care. our universities are failing us. Our leaders are being carnally human. We have the medicine but who can afford it? Why can we afford GMO-Foods with antibiotics and corn raised animals but not organic and locally farmed foods? Why don’t we take our money and put it into our farms, local businesses and let them thrive? Instead of the rUjimaich getting richer; why not give our farmers a chance, the local shops a chance, and local governments a chance? Why is Debt crushing the necks of our young people? 

Bottom line: It’s our collective works and responsibility. 

I pray your Ujima was a blessed and great day! 

Joyous Kwanzaa 

Domenia 

The heart that matters

I just listened to my pastor speak about the “heart that matters.” I’m still getting used to this softer approach to Jesus, instead of the condemnation I was raised listening to in sermons. Shot of a a young couple making a heart shape with their fingers outdoors

The gist of the sermon was not to continually contemplate our faults, imperfections, failures and “lack off’s”. It’s the heart behind the faults, imperfections, and failures that matters. This is the main ingredient to the Christian faith; we are not perfect and fall many times, it’s the heart that matters and how we get back up.

An unusual topic for me to hear with love and in love esp. by a pastor. However, it’s true. I’ve hurt many people and acted outside of my character. Having a mental illness I am different and I process life differently. I never intend to hurt a soul. It hurts me when I find out I hurt someone. It hurts because I know the feeling of rejection, self-hate, judgment; feelings of projected anger and just ugliness. I know these feelings all too well. Knowing I inflicted this hurt onto another soul I resent, reject. self-loathe and I become bitter towards myself. Then it becomes a cycle!

My heart is always in the right place. This is the story with most of us. We don’t want to hurt other people, let alone neglect our various religious beliefs maybe even our family values. It’s the heart that matters. When we evaluate ourselves we should inspect our intent and the execution of what happened. Be honest with ourselves. Genuinely make amends if possible. If not we need to forgive ourselves. The “move on”.

I know as a Christian God doesn’t remember every act that’s negative we commit. He looks at the heart behind the action. I bet Allah and Buddha do too. We need to realize every person born and even animal will make mistakes, it’s getting back up that counts. It’s the heart of getting up and moving on; allowing each incident to be a teacher so that we grow into the beautiful people we are.

We grow from glory to glory. God already is in love with us. God already adores us, we have his personal stamp of approval. God smiles reign on us daily. We are his children and creation. He cheers for us as we play the game of life and even if we miss the mark he is the coach encouraging us to get up and keep playing.

Friends, you may not believe in the God I do. I respect you. You are validated in my heart! You may be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddist, even Atheist but when we fall to the source of our creation who just wants us to win the fight of life. Life’s short and we are to keep getting up, fighting, and making a difference for others. It’s the “heart that matters”. We will not be perfect. I will never be perfect. However, I will commit to being the best version of myself I can be.

What’s great about that is no one can be you but “you”. You’re a unique and divine creation. You’re the only you. I’m the only me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot be happy, nor does it entail that we don’t deserve happiness. We deserve all the blessings, favor, joy, contentment with all of creation and from our creators.

So please, smile today. Let tomorrow be tomorrow. Know you’re the best “you” today. Let tomorrow be a mystery and embrace it when we face it.

Blessings,

Domenia Zih