My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic
I have nothing but body aches and pain
There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper
This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace
This is my Lament.
Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story
I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior
Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows
I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.
I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.
For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.
Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain
Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.
I will boast and not post.
Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.
On my worst days are he is still at his best
On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.
Today is the first day of Kwanzaa it is Umoja which means Unity and it was an amazing day. Christmas brought a day of blues, I had no electricity and heat and my animals were so cold I thought that they had died. It was a day of despair. I stayed in bed. It started on Christmas Eve when I realized this would be another holiday alone no parents, or friends, or mentors, just me. I wanted to blame it on covid but this is every year. Last time I had a real Christmas I was a teen with my foster family around a tree opening gifts and I was too mentally ill to appreciate it. I wish I could take those days back. Because now those days are bleak.
It’s interesting that Kwanzaa started on a Sunday. My favorite day of the week because I love hearing sermons from Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation Church. Unity to me was texting a few friends but reconnecting with Jesus on an in-depth level in knowing I may not wake up to family nor hear from them anymore but I have so much to be grateful for my and the idea of a family for me has evolved. I have a Continuum Family, my mentor mommy is pregnant and married, I have my foster family, I have pets and friends I made across the world from Elevation church. I also had top surgery and I feel great becoming the man I was and always have been.
Umoja has evolved it’s not just being around the people you are born to but those you surround yourself with and allow yourself to love you. Covid has allowed me to broaden myself, even more, public speaking engagements have started and I have created friendships and am starting graduate school at an all-accepting Christian University studying Social Work and Positive Psychology. Umoja means the unity of dreams coming true, communities coming together, and self-growth.
I’m grateful. This has been a sad year regarding covid and deaths. However, relationships have budded in my life and ended. All are considered a blessing. I worked two jobs one educating k-1 students and a second helping homeless veterans.
What really put the icing on the cake tonight was that I realized every tear I cried Jesus caught and put in a jar. And he (Jesus) also cried too. Every time I wanted to give up there was an angel sent my way. Every time I was hungry and had no food or money God sent angels to help me out. He also sent me a brother. I’ve never been alone in my darkest hour. I remember what makes Christmas so great was that God was silent for over 400 hundred years and the hope was that he was sending a Messiah and he sent a baby. Jesus came into this world as King but as one of us needing naps and diaper changes too. He came lowly and rose highly. Then he died on a cross for our sins if you choose to believe so that there will never be years of silence between creation and God again. I found hope in this. I knew this. But to hear it again with compassion, humor made me cry I and I felt my pain release. I knew I can no longer look back. My trauma is just that trauma, not my future. My past will help me be a better person, social worker, and psychologist. My trauma will be my motivator, not my hinder.
I’ve been released. Joyous Kwanzaa indeed it has been for me. Umoja Everyone May You All Have A Story To Tell
I’m angry. I’m pissed. I’m hurting. There’s not a word magnificent enough nor profound enough to express how black and scared I am. I am a black trans man. The rate of me being killed are high by a policeman, by a white person, and by a black person. Does my life matter? Or am I just a mere atom taking up space in what we call existence waiting to die and decompose in the ground. To die the black illnesses high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, Covid-19 or worse by the gun of a white man; a white cop?
Out of mind out of sight! or is it Out of sight out of mind?!
When is one black life enough? When does it stop? How do I tell young black men, young trans men you have a future when in reality their life is seconds away from none…
White people. White fucking people! WHITE MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE, will you stop killing me? White people, what is one black life worth to you? WHITE PEOPLE, hear the cries from the earth. All we want to do is live! We get it your better than us. We get it you deserve all the power. We get it your superior to us. We fucking get it. So I ask BLACK PEOPLE, we have to force change and challenge that ideology in order for change to come.
WHITE PEOPLE, we can buy your clothing and organic food. We can speak like you and attend your schools. (sometimes!) We can hide our blackness but as the sun fade, you only see our teeth. As the sunshine, we only look like a shadow.
WHITE PEOPLE, what the fuck are you afraid of? What the fuck are you afraid of? Why are you killing our sons and daughters? Why are we falsely accused of crimes we didn’t commit? Why do we live in the slums?? Why do we pay to your tithes and offerings for your churches to grow and build more Starbucks and were looking for a Dunkin Donuts.
BLACK PEOPLE RAISE YOUR VOICE! YES!!!! YES!!! I’m screaming…You can’t hear my voice so hear my words. I’m SCREAMING and pulling my hair…MY PEOPLE ARE DYING…EVERY DAY…EVERY YEAR..more death after death it is something that has come to be the daily norm and WHITE FUCKING PEOPLE walk away with good conscious and a clear record.
BLACK PEOPLE let’s mobilize. BLACK PEOPLE let’s organize. SYSTEMIC Racism is a disease and we must find a cure for it ourselves. WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES. I’m Angry. I’m Hurt. I’m Scared. If I don’t look the right way or answer in the correct tone my name may be next in the news..
GOD HEAR OUR CRY. FORGIVE US. CHANGE US. HEAL US. Black people and White people. GOD you see no color. God, you see your children. GOD you see no orientation you see your people. Jesus, you see your brothers and sisters. Jesus, we are the ones you died for and we are dying every day.
Mr. Domenia Xih Zih
BLACK PEOPLE cry out to the sun and moon. BLACK PEOPLE jump and shout until there is a mighty earthquake. BLACK PEOPLE stop killing each other as a white person show. BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. BLACK GAY PEOPLE. BLACK MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. BLACK INCARCERATED. BLACK FREE PEOPLE. BLACK CHILDREN. BLACK MEN. BLACK WOMEN. BLACK TRANS PEOPLE. BLACK NON BINARY PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. GOD’s PEOPLE.
CRY
SCREAM
SHOUT, MAKE A MIGHTY RAWR
I’m fucking angry. I’m hurting and this pain doesn’t go away. I numb it. BUT NO MORE. NO MORE I SAY. NO MORE!
BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE LET’s BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE. LET’s DEMAND THE CHANGE WE NEED. LET’s HEAL OUR PEOPLE. LET’s EDUCATE our people starting out with lesson one: WE ARE BLACK and BLACK FIRST. Unapologetically BLACK. WE ARE the successors of SLAVERY. We OVERCAME JIM FUCKING CROW. WE ARE STRONG. WE WILL FUCKING DEFEAT DONALD JACKASS TRUMP!!!! WE ARE MIGHTY IN THE LAND. WE ARE BLACK. and yet SCARED!
My Journey, My Style 
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