Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Now, You!

Now I’m alive to tell the story of how I’ve overcome A victor and not a victim written story The truth about my daily struggles and how it’s met with mercy and grace This isn’t a poem. This is more of a narrative written by a broken person being made whole My freedom doesn’t come from the world and doesn’t come from the words of men I’m not lucky, and my resiliency isn’t a genetic default but a gift of His Spirit A gift of His grace To people who read my blog and my writings, time are tough, and relief seems to be a way away Stay encouraged. Lean on your foundation for dear life. I live paycheck to paycheck I live on food stamps and a monthly gov’t check I never know if my benefits will be cut or continued. But, I lean on supernatural faith. I often have to ask myself whether I buy eggs this week of soymilk I recently lost my job So, understand, you are not alone. This is what I tell myself daily. The creator of the universe understands. Despite the current dilemma, I live with my bills paid, and I have more than enough food. How? I blame Jesus, for he says, “he will never forsake you (me), nor leave you as an orphan” I am writing more of my faith not to push it on people but because it’s my foundation. Who Jesus is to me, Buddha or Allah might be for someone else. I do not have the authority to call any of these deities wrong. They’re essential. I am in a spot to say it’s essential to have a spiritual creator and community to belong to. Even if it’s a community of no faith, a community to belong to is necessary. When we are together, we share the burden of life and strengthen one another. Times are tough, and we shouldn’t go through them alone. I struggle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and losing my job triggered an episode. It’s hard. Some days I’m energetic. Some days I want to sleep. Many days I feel there isn’t a point to it all. But I actively push through these negative thoughts because of my faith in Jesus and His Holy Spirit. I believe in Scripture. I know if God can be with me on the mountain tops, he is with me in the valley lows. I’ll fear no evil. I wish we would look at each other past the IG and FB pictures, ask what’s in your fridge and cabinets, and get honest about our struggles in life. That’s what people need, not this superficial stuff. It’s not helping us but tearing our souls apart. I’m being honest. I have not been overcome by the words of my testimony. I believe there will be more job opportunities. I will finish this current class with a minimum of an A-. I will stand firm on the rock of my faith, as will you. Be encouraged. Be honest. Be real. You will make my brothers, my sisters, and nonbinary siblings. I’m praying for you as Jesus prayed for believers. I’m praying that you succeed, your money goes farther, you enjoy your family, enjoy your job, find a new job, children and you succeed in school, you come to a flourishing end, you are equipped, well able, anointed, appointed, God loves you, God has grace, mercy for you. You will become all you set your mind, heart, and attitude to become. I’m praying in Jesus’ name over your life, family, career, and children, and you are happy. Be strong; you will walk and not weary; you will walk and not faint. -Amen .

Ujima, a collective responsibility.

UJIMA (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our people’s problems our problems, and to solve them together

Our government and our world didn’t become poorly overnight. It took the collective works and was the responsibility of our leaders. Global Climate Change didn’t occur overnight it was a slow collective effort of the greedy, and unawareness of others. The United States deficit didn’t happen overnight it is the result of the collective works and responsibility.

Ujima means we all take responsibility for our action and we commit to trying to make a difference for the year collectively. It’s an agreement made with our heart and mind signed on a contract with mother earth/universe. We need to no longer beat our selves up and keep blaming politicians when WE ALL had a part in destroying our planet, our country, and future generations. 

We need to make a commitment to do better and aim higher. We still have time. The earth isn’t dead, yet. We can still change global hunger, stop wars, save refugee people, provide medication to the poorer countries. We can still do better. As a country we can get out of debt, we can save our government and appoint leaders who can lead it with dignity, respect, integrity, and personal accountability. 

Ujima is the collective works and responsibility of each individual equally.  What can you do to be the change and leader America needs today? What can you do? What can we do? Do we even know what our responsibilities and roles are? No longer can we afford to blame others even if they’re in the wrong. What good is it? Be the needed change we want to see. Our children are dying, and it’s harder to afford higher education. Our children are hungry. Our children do not have good health care. our universities are failing us. Our leaders are being carnally human. We have the medicine but who can afford it? Why can we afford GMO-Foods with antibiotics and corn raised animals but not organic and locally farmed foods? Why don’t we take our money and put it into our farms, local businesses and let them thrive? Instead of the rich getting richer; why not give our farmers a chance, the local shops a chance, and local governments a chance? Why is Debt crushing the necks of our young people? 

Bottom line: It’s our collective works and responsibility. 

I pray your Ujima was a blessed and great day! 

Joyous Kwanzaa 

Domenia 

Finding Joy

Everyday it’s a struggle, even with the medication. It seems like we haven’t found the right mix of medication yet.I had’t written on my blog because, I vowed to make this blog a blog of inspiration and hope. Not a blog of anger, sorrow and hate. So, I hadn’t written because I was depressed for almost three months.

A lot has happened in three months.

 

I wanted to say, that in the midst of darkness when you feel like giving up hold on. When you don’t hear the voice of another living soul hold onto the voice that is true to who you are. Sometimes not even God will respond, but you still have to hold onto the messages that was last spoken to your heart. I’ve lost a lot of relationships, a lot of friends, a fiancee, forever family, a home money and almost my mind but I still had a part of me. A part of me that knew my worth, knew my truth, knew what was right, honest and good.

With bipolar disorder and any mental illness, it’s hard. Not impossible. My pastor once told me to never curse my crisis. Sometimes, I want to and I come close to it, but when it’s over I see Glory and I feel VICTORIOUS.

I had been depressed for about 3 months. I’m still in and out of depression, and then one day I got a 95% on an exam. School means a lot to me because it’s my passion, but depression was stealing that joy from me. That 95% released me from that. Yes, I’m still semi-down and having crying spells, but it’s not as bad. That 95% gave me hope, that this depression is going to lift. As hard as I studied for that mid-term exam, if I keep fighting it will lift 100%.

Tears won’t always flow. There will be sunshine. So I guess to my readers, and to myself, remember this. It’s okay to cry, but find more reasons to smile and laugh. Life is short, take all the good you can out of it.