Kujichagulia; where is it?

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination): To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

The past three years have been years of triumph for me. I overcame my mental illness. It’s still there, and bad days still come however, it doesn’t affect me like it used to. I overcame homelessness. I’m not in a condo but no longer in a shelter. I graduated from college! I lost my grandmother and gained personal strength. I came out as transgender (FtM) and started HRT and I’m loving the journey. I lost my family and created a new one. In spite of all my loss and gain, I never lost my faith.

I took control of my life. I’m setting the course for my destiny.  I’m fighting doubt, some days depression, some days energy in order to be the best I can be. I’m fighting an eating disorder that I tried to bury for years. I’m winning each fight.

No longer timid or shy. Not as afraid of tomorrow as I once was. I’m gaining my barrings. I am finding a love for life, for people, nature, and animals. I see God in the little details of life not just in the blessings.

Kujichagulia is my favorite principle of Kwanzaa because it’s where I get to see my physical strengths and literal improvements. While on my journey through school, I realize that everyone’s pace in life is different. We don’t all walk or run the same distance or at the same speed. It took me 9 years to graduate. Many of my friends are done with their Master’s degrees and becoming doctors and lawyers. Some are parents and married. And I’m just starting to bud. That’s ok! I realize that it’s ok! I’m not my friends and they are not me, and as long as we win in this life, that’s what matters.

Kujichagulia is about celebrating our journey. Seeing our strength. Valuing the superpowers and the capabilities the Creator gave us. No longer comparing and shaming but seeing our journey as pure beauty. Kujichagulia reminds that I am allowed to be who I want to be. Love who I want to love. Live however peacefully as I can. Kujichagulia tells me that I have a duty to leave this earth a little better. Kujichagulia tells me to leave a mark for the generation behind me.

As a great pastor once said to me, “we (you) are world changers and history makers.” Life is a gift from the beholder and we are to create, express, forgive, love, and be driven with self-determination.

Joyous Kwanzaa.

Domenia

Who I am! Where I’ve been!

Readers and Followers,

I’ve been away! Sorry. I needed time to heal and to become stable. I needed to know more about myself. I am now a graduate of Palm Beach Atlantic University. It took 9 years however, I did it.

I needed to create a community for myself. I lost a lot of people on the way. I came out as a Transma FtM (look for more posts on this). I am no longer homeless. I have been declared emotionally stable, with no hospital visits for 2 years and 7 months 11 days.

I’m older! I’m 28. Almost 30! No children or partners yet!

My grandmother has passed. I lost my last great aunt and my forever family. As a result, I was homeless for about 3 years. Life moving from a treatment shelter to supported housing to my own studio apartment has been a journey I’d never want to take again.

I have the best treatment and support team ever. I have the best momma bear Dr. Mouriz. I have a bunny son named Jhonni Root Canal. I am a foster parent to a turtle named Avalos Owen Brown. I have my bio mom back in my life and it’s going great.

I am applying to graduate school. Western New Mexico State University, University of Denver, University of New Hampshire the University of North Dakota. I’d love to earn an MSW and Nonprofit Administration concentration. The next and final degree will be a Ph.D. in Positive or Humanistic Psychology.

I’m out and proud Transman FtM and still Christian! I love my life. I’m loving my transformation mentally and physically. I’m in love with me! I’m in love with life! I’m sad school is over, however, I am learning how to manage time without school for the first time in 9 years. I start my second part of physically transitioning this year (top surgery, look it up).

Life and my goals seem to be coming together. I’ve lost many people and gained so much more. This is really it. My absence has been to focus on treatment, finishing school, organizing my thoughts and battling multiple holiday blues. Now things are settled.

I’m back! Kwanzaa is approaching, my new year! Although I’ve been through a lot in 3 years, It was the greatest journey of my life. The stories I’ve listened to, the prayers with strangers, seeing people at their lowest and become better individuals and the spiritual and religious growth outstanding.

I’m an official Sailfish! Always will be! Graduation was in May! We had a virtual one thanks to Covid-19 I’m still pumped!

I missed you all and missed reading your blogs!

I’m Back!

I’m officially changing my name to:

Domenia Xih Zih

Black Belief!

I believe I am the answered prayer of a slave.

I believe that the God of my slave ancestors is outside of religion space and time

I believe that God is consistent and his word is his bond (promises)!

He promised:

hell on earth

calamity and suffering; on this he was clear

I know of the suffering of the black slaves

I know the suffering of generations to come and I empathize and stand to chant

BLACK LIVES MATTER

God’s truth holds in court

God assures peaks of peace and times of prosperous soulful restoration

the movement and belief that BlACK LIVES MATTER

witnesses to the struggle of souls

and the promised and answered prayers of slaves

that we would marry wisdom, dance with destiny and find peace in chaos

Proclaim our integrity

We will walk along with the historical negro voices

Our feet will hit rock, and legs will get scarred

Our voices will unite in a war cry

then, you will see our war dance

My people, My black people:

Stand with justice

And, light lady liberty’s flame

Be proud of our kinky hair and dark skin.

Black is beautiful.

God did not give us reason for doubt

But, he (God) promised a journey unlike any humans and overwhelming opportunities

I always wonder one day beside my name will they say “first negro to accomplish this” (whatever “this” is)

I was once a slave

But now we awaken and is FREE!

I was a slave until those cops killed my black brothers and sisters

I was a slave until I was denied rights based on the color of my skin

I was a slave until, I realized as a race, as a people; whom we were meant to be.

“Like Dust, I RISE!” Angelou said

For we are the rhythm and beat of a negro hymn

We triumph in memory believing, God is with us and gave a new name, a new identity and called us to a high calling

He called us his people, then he called us friend

and birthed us purposefully in an era of change, reconstruction, and opportunity

This is what I believe!

My Christmas Gift

My heart was becoming numb and joy was scarce. I didn’t want to acknowledge my own bitterness, but it was there. I couldn’t feel hope, I didn’t think the sun would ever shine again. Alone I felt, in a darkened world.

Alone I traveled in the woods of life. Alone I slept and with tears, I cried “ABA, why have you forsaken me?” I cried again, “ABA, why have you welcomed this pain and a well of emptiness?”

Angry was I with the young, for having what I dreamed of. Angry I was with the old, for their eye were closed. I was angry! I was scared, and questioned, “will it always be this way?”

“Will I ever feel the joy and warmth of the sun, or will the cold break me, and leave me with brittle bones.”

Silent God was still. Hopeful I became.

Let us go to church! Let us celebrate Jesus, the true reason for the season. In my mind I was thinking critically, trying to disrobe this facade pagan holiday, to tear it from the Christians, and all because I was bitter.

I walked to church, and then my heart opened, and I prayed “ABA, meet me there, at the place of your dwelling, your sacred temple, where your word is spoken, deliver me of God, grant me your mercy and grace. Let me feel. Let me heal. I’ll go, just meet me there!”

A sermon was spoken, and it was as if God spoke to me directly. As though everyone had left because the word was for me.

“I love you,” the pastor said.

“I died for you,” the pastor said.

“I knew you before your birth,” the pastor said

“I’ve been waiting for you,” the pastor said.

“Meet me, for I am here,” the pastor said

“I went away to prepare a place, where your tears will stop flowing, your heart will breath fresh air, you will sing without condemnation and praise with cease,” God said to me

“I’ve never left, I’ve always cared, you’re my child and I’ll always be there. I’ve seen your tears, I have seen your pain, I was next to you in the kitchen when you cried out to me in a song. I was in your room when you told me that you couldn’t hold on. I was there when you listened to every sermon, hoping to see me in them. I was there my child. I was there, baby girl.

I just needed you to me meet me half way there. I can take away all the pain.

I can give you rest.

I can give you are a reason to smile.

I can grant you peace.

But if you’re not ready to receive me, receive my gifts and internally accept me, then you will be in this spot again.

But You’ve come to me, and this sermon is for you.

You are not alone, I’m am here.

I have not forsaken you, I live inside of you.

I’m the piece to your broken heart, the answer to your prayers.

You’ve met me and I AM HERE! he spoke to my heart.

So, I lifted my hands, and tears were flowing, I didn’t care who saw me, I lifted my hands, I felt his love, I saw visions of his love, I saw the family he gave me, and the opportunities set before me.

I worshiped with the angels. My heart was opened, and I could feel again.

I cried and sang proudly and boldly. Left in peace, and was given a blessing.

I may have not received a physical gift, but a healed heart was my wish. Bitterness has left. I was blessed.

Merry Christmas.