“Do you boo!”

What do you do when you don’t feel understood? When you open your voice to speak and nothing comes out. Who do you turn to, when all you get are voice mails? What do you do when you look in the mirror and you can’t recognize your own face? Some people expect you to just get “over” the actions of others, and move on. When it’s not that easy. Sometimes shit hurts and you need to cry, it doesn’t just go away-I mean it didn’t “just happen.” What do you say to yourself, when it seems like you can’t get right, and are the Hebrews running around that mountain, and all you need is a GPS? What do you say to yourself when all you want is a little direction, and instead you get criticism? What happens when it feels like a “prayer” isn’t enough?

What do you do?

If I say scream, there’s a chance you will be seen as odd. If I say cry, there is a chance you will be seen as depressed, and unstable. If I say walk away, then you’ll be observed as cold-hearted. If I say “do you” then you might just be perceived as an individual with an attitude.

What do you do?

Remember that one bible scripture that points out Jesus’s humanity, “Jesus wept.” Remember that within each deity, there was once humanity.

So, what do you do?

Cry! Scream! “Boo, do you!”

Others will always judge you. Not everyone will understand you. Pain is not something you just get over, it’s your journey, and don’t let it hinder you. Don’t let stigma define you, and don’t let trials and tribulations become you. Allow it to become a catalyst and not an end. Use your pain, hurt, fear and everything else as a way to motivate you; to motivate others. Never stop living, achieve your highest goals. If you fall 100 times, at least you got up!

So, what do you do?

LIVE!

 

 

Finding Joy

Everyday it’s a struggle, even with the medication. It seems like we haven’t found the right mix of medication yet.I had’t written on my blog because, I vowed to make this blog a blog of inspiration and hope. Not a blog of anger, sorrow and hate. So, I hadn’t written because I was depressed for almost three months.

A lot has happened in three months.

 

I wanted to say, that in the midst of darkness when you feel like giving up hold on. When you don’t hear the voice of another living soul hold onto the voice that is true to who you are. Sometimes not even God will respond, but you still have to hold onto the messages that was last spoken to your heart. I’ve lost a lot of relationships, a lot of friends, a fiancee, forever family, a home money and almost my mind but I still had a part of me. A part of me that knew my worth, knew my truth, knew what was right, honest and good.

With bipolar disorder and any mental illness, it’s hard. Not impossible. My pastor once told me to never curse my crisis. Sometimes, I want to and I come close to it, but when it’s over I see Glory and I feel VICTORIOUS.

I had been depressed for about 3 months. I’m still in and out of depression, and then one day I got a 95% on an exam. School means a lot to me because it’s my passion, but depression was stealing that joy from me. That 95% released me from that. Yes, I’m still semi-down and having crying spells, but it’s not as bad. That 95% gave me hope, that this depression is going to lift. As hard as I studied for that mid-term exam, if I keep fighting it will lift 100%.

Tears won’t always flow. There will be sunshine. So I guess to my readers, and to myself, remember this. It’s okay to cry, but find more reasons to smile and laugh. Life is short, take all the good you can out of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Place of Impact: Aging out of foster care!

Yesterday, I was riding my bike in the rain from work, and was hit by a car. I’m safe, but injured. My bike is ok! I called my foster mom, my grandma, aunt and I was yelled at. Last week I was drugged and sexually violated and I called a trusted aunt and God-Mother and no one returned my phone call.

My God-Mother’s daughter reminded me that, I’m not her “real daughter”. It brought my mine back to the day my foster mom’s bio. daughter told me “she didn’t ask for me”, and her son told me “I’m replaceable.” Then my mind brought me back to being abandon from childhood, and no one advocating for me. My cousin told me I was tiring, and that she won’t help me. I swore at her, we almost had a fist fight.

One aunt, my favorite aunt told me, it’s “ok.” She will always answer her phone, but I’ve heard that before, and then I know I’ve burned bridges too. She told me that I have to control my emotions, and I wanted to yell “I’m bipolar” and then I realized that just because I have a mental illness, I’m on medication and I have a certain amount of control over my actions; even if not my emotions.

When the doctors were examining me, I was crying, not because I was in pain. No. But, because no one was there with me and I was going through this alone. I cried because I faced my reality. I’m no longer in foster care, there are no more social workers and I’m a grown woman. Whether I feel alone, abandon and/or my emotions/mental health is out of control, I have to be my own advocate and stand up for myself. I have to use my voice, and have faith in a higher power. I have to pray daily that my heart is renewed, my mind is healed, and that I have the power to live a God driven and purposeful life. At this point, it’s my choice.

So this is my message:

To those aging out of foster care, we have to accept that we’ve had it rough. We have to admit that we cry at night, are angry, confused and are trying to make it, in a complicated world. Sometimes when we go to the hospital, no one will come. We will have to walk home from work because no one will answer their phone. We will have to go to the doctors and hear hard words.But we’re not alone. There is a God that cares, and we have to remember the words of support, those good social workers and those who cared for us even if we don’t we never see them again. We have to believe in ourselves, get our education, get a job, and create our own families. We have to be open to new friendships, and new opportunities. We’ve made it this far, beat the system. Let us not give up. We will make it!

You are loved! I’m praying. I’m your advocate.

Becoming a better you

“God has a plan for me (you) , how he wants me (us) to be. It will not look exactly like his plan for anyone else, which means it will take freedom and exploration for me to learn how God wants me (us) to grow. Spiritual growth is not one size fits all”

Pastor Paula White says it best “we are spiritual beings having a humanistic experience. Understanding that emotions, struggles and strong holds will form but then you have to remember Isaiah 54:17 “no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be wrong, This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition.]” Everyone is different levels of spiritual growth. Every scripture that we read reveals something new to each individual who reads it and when they allow the Holy Spirit to enter their hearts. Depending on circumstance and trial that one particular scripture will speak something different into your life and heart. You will receive a new revelation. In everything we need to remember that God [Yahweh] is “I am”, “beginning and the end”, and the “author and finisher of our faith.” We are created uniquely however we are created in his image.

“Life is Short, joy is precious, God is too good, our soul is too valuable, we matter to much to throw a single moment of our one and only life”

Freedom:

Psalms 1:2-3 “Blessed in the one who delight is in the law of the Lord, and who mediates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither, whatever they do prospers.” This is your source of freedom, and once you have grasped this concept you will understand that you have to freedom to think that “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is love, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” [Philippians 4:8]

To gain true authentic freedom we must change the way we think,

Allow God (high power) to know your authentic self, so that you may know who you are in him.

Eugene Peterson said it best, “Christians feed on scripture, holy scripture nurtures from the holy nurtures the holy community as food the human body.” Don’t judge yourself for where you are in you spiritual walk, no matter who your God is. I’m speaking in the form of Jesus Christ. I’m not trying to push religion on anyone. Sometimes our high power is just our soul and that’s okay.

Self-talk, prayer, confiding in a trusted individual is not to condemn you but a chance for your to find and become a better you. Understand to be a better to be a better you, you have to climb mountains and experience pain; know you are not alone, even though each struggle is different.

Please know that to become the better you, your path will be different from mine, your level of faith and deity is different from mine. Don’t feel judge, or condemn. Life is short it’s gone in a breath, and I want the most of it.