Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Now, You!

Now I’m alive to tell the story of how I’ve overcome A victor and not a victim written story The truth about my daily struggles and how it’s met with mercy and grace This isn’t a poem. This is more of a narrative written by a broken person being made whole My freedom doesn’t come from the world and doesn’t come from the words of men I’m not lucky, and my resiliency isn’t a genetic default but a gift of His Spirit A gift of His grace To people who read my blog and my writings, time are tough, and relief seems to be a way away Stay encouraged. Lean on your foundation for dear life. I live paycheck to paycheck I live on food stamps and a monthly gov’t check I never know if my benefits will be cut or continued. But, I lean on supernatural faith. I often have to ask myself whether I buy eggs this week of soymilk I recently lost my job So, understand, you are not alone. This is what I tell myself daily. The creator of the universe understands. Despite the current dilemma, I live with my bills paid, and I have more than enough food. How? I blame Jesus, for he says, “he will never forsake you (me), nor leave you as an orphan” I am writing more of my faith not to push it on people but because it’s my foundation. Who Jesus is to me, Buddha or Allah might be for someone else. I do not have the authority to call any of these deities wrong. They’re essential. I am in a spot to say it’s essential to have a spiritual creator and community to belong to. Even if it’s a community of no faith, a community to belong to is necessary. When we are together, we share the burden of life and strengthen one another. Times are tough, and we shouldn’t go through them alone. I struggle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and losing my job triggered an episode. It’s hard. Some days I’m energetic. Some days I want to sleep. Many days I feel there isn’t a point to it all. But I actively push through these negative thoughts because of my faith in Jesus and His Holy Spirit. I believe in Scripture. I know if God can be with me on the mountain tops, he is with me in the valley lows. I’ll fear no evil. I wish we would look at each other past the IG and FB pictures, ask what’s in your fridge and cabinets, and get honest about our struggles in life. That’s what people need, not this superficial stuff. It’s not helping us but tearing our souls apart. I’m being honest. I have not been overcome by the words of my testimony. I believe there will be more job opportunities. I will finish this current class with a minimum of an A-. I will stand firm on the rock of my faith, as will you. Be encouraged. Be honest. Be real. You will make my brothers, my sisters, and nonbinary siblings. I’m praying for you as Jesus prayed for believers. I’m praying that you succeed, your money goes farther, you enjoy your family, enjoy your job, find a new job, children and you succeed in school, you come to a flourishing end, you are equipped, well able, anointed, appointed, God loves you, God has grace, mercy for you. You will become all you set your mind, heart, and attitude to become. I’m praying in Jesus’ name over your life, family, career, and children, and you are happy. Be strong; you will walk and not weary; you will walk and not faint. -Amen .

Ujima, a collective responsibility.

UJIMA (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our people’s problems our problems, and to solve them together

Our government and our world didn’t become poorly overnight. It took the collective works and was the responsibility of our leaders. Global Climate Change didn’t occur overnight it was a slow collective effort of the greedy, and unawareness of others. The United States deficit didn’t happen overnight it is the result of the collective works and responsibility.

Ujima means we all take responsibility for our action and we commit to trying to make a difference for the year collectively. It’s an agreement made with our heart and mind signed on a contract with mother earth/universe. We need to no longer beat our selves up and keep blaming politicians when WE ALL had a part in destroying our planet, our country, and future generations. 

We need to make a commitment to do better and aim higher. We still have time. The earth isn’t dead, yet. We can still change global hunger, stop wars, save refugee people, provide medication to the poorer countries. We can still do better. As a country we can get out of debt, we can save our government and appoint leaders who can lead it with dignity, respect, integrity, and personal accountability. 

Ujima is the collective works and responsibility of each individual equally.  What can you do to be the change and leader America needs today? What can you do? What can we do? Do we even know what our responsibilities and roles are? No longer can we afford to blame others even if they’re in the wrong. What good is it? Be the needed change we want to see. Our children are dying, and it’s harder to afford higher education. Our children are hungry. Our children do not have good health care. our universities are failing us. Our leaders are being carnally human. We have the medicine but who can afford it? Why can we afford GMO-Foods with antibiotics and corn raised animals but not organic and locally farmed foods? Why don’t we take our money and put it into our farms, local businesses and let them thrive? Instead of the rich getting richer; why not give our farmers a chance, the local shops a chance, and local governments a chance? Why is Debt crushing the necks of our young people? 

Bottom line: It’s our collective works and responsibility. 

I pray your Ujima was a blessed and great day! 

Joyous Kwanzaa 

Domenia 

Kujichagulia; where is it?

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination): To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

The past three years have been years of triumph for me. I overcame my mental illness. It’s still there, and bad days still come however, it doesn’t affect me like it used to. I overcame homelessness. I’m not in a condo but no longer in a shelter. I graduated from college! I lost my grandmother and gained personal strength. I came out as transgender (FtM) and started HRT and I’m loving the journey. I lost my family and created a new one. In spite of all my loss and gain, I never lost my faith.

I took control of my life. I’m setting the course for my destiny.  I’m fighting doubt, some days depression, some days energy in order to be the best I can be. I’m fighting an eating disorder that I tried to bury for years. I’m winning each fight.

No longer timid or shy. Not as afraid of tomorrow as I once was. I’m gaining my barrings. I am finding a love for life, for people, nature, and animals. I see God in the little details of life not just in the blessings.

Kujichagulia is my favorite principle of Kwanzaa because it’s where I get to see my physical strengths and literal improvements. While on my journey through school, I realize that everyone’s pace in life is different. We don’t all walk or run the same distance or at the same speed. It took me 9 years to graduate. Many of my friends are done with their Master’s degrees and becoming doctors and lawyers. Some are parents and married. And I’m just starting to bud. That’s ok! I realize that it’s ok! I’m not my friends and they are not me, and as long as we win in this life, that’s what matters.

Kujichagulia is about celebrating our journey. Seeing our strength. Valuing the superpowers and the capabilities the Creator gave us. No longer comparing and shaming but seeing our journey as pure beauty. Kujichagulia reminds that I am allowed to be who I want to be. Love who I want to love. Live however peacefully as I can. Kujichagulia tells me that I have a duty to leave this earth a little better. Kujichagulia tells me to leave a mark for the generation behind me.

As a great pastor once said to me, “we (you) are world changers and history makers.” Life is a gift from the beholder and we are to create, express, forgive, love, and be driven with self-determination.

Joyous Kwanzaa.

Domenia