Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Now, You!

Now I’m alive to tell the story of how I’ve overcome A victor and not a victim written story The truth about my daily struggles and how it’s met with mercy and grace This isn’t a poem. This is more of a narrative written by a broken person being made whole My freedom doesn’t come from the world and doesn’t come from the words of men I’m not lucky, and my resiliency isn’t a genetic default but a gift of His Spirit A gift of His grace To people who read my blog and my writings, time are tough, and relief seems to be a way away Stay encouraged. Lean on your foundation for dear life. I live paycheck to paycheck I live on food stamps and a monthly gov’t check I never know if my benefits will be cut or continued. But, I lean on supernatural faith. I often have to ask myself whether I buy eggs this week of soymilk I recently lost my job So, understand, you are not alone. This is what I tell myself daily. The creator of the universe understands. Despite the current dilemma, I live with my bills paid, and I have more than enough food. How? I blame Jesus, for he says, “he will never forsake you (me), nor leave you as an orphan” I am writing more of my faith not to push it on people but because it’s my foundation. Who Jesus is to me, Buddha or Allah might be for someone else. I do not have the authority to call any of these deities wrong. They’re essential. I am in a spot to say it’s essential to have a spiritual creator and community to belong to. Even if it’s a community of no faith, a community to belong to is necessary. When we are together, we share the burden of life and strengthen one another. Times are tough, and we shouldn’t go through them alone. I struggle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and losing my job triggered an episode. It’s hard. Some days I’m energetic. Some days I want to sleep. Many days I feel there isn’t a point to it all. But I actively push through these negative thoughts because of my faith in Jesus and His Holy Spirit. I believe in Scripture. I know if God can be with me on the mountain tops, he is with me in the valley lows. I’ll fear no evil. I wish we would look at each other past the IG and FB pictures, ask what’s in your fridge and cabinets, and get honest about our struggles in life. That’s what people need, not this superficial stuff. It’s not helping us but tearing our souls apart. I’m being honest. I have not been overcome by the words of my testimony. I believe there will be more job opportunities. I will finish this current class with a minimum of an A-. I will stand firm on the rock of my faith, as will you. Be encouraged. Be honest. Be real. You will make my brothers, my sisters, and nonbinary siblings. I’m praying for you as Jesus prayed for believers. I’m praying that you succeed, your money goes farther, you enjoy your family, enjoy your job, find a new job, children and you succeed in school, you come to a flourishing end, you are equipped, well able, anointed, appointed, God loves you, God has grace, mercy for you. You will become all you set your mind, heart, and attitude to become. I’m praying in Jesus’ name over your life, family, career, and children, and you are happy. Be strong; you will walk and not weary; you will walk and not faint. -Amen .