But, God!

I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

But, God!

But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

But, God created my treatment team

But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter 

But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

But, God gave me back my parents

But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

But, God helped me graduate from PBA

But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

Now, God will continue to see me through.

Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Everything’s going to be ok!

The songs writer says:

“Everything going to be ok.”

“At the worst”

“At it’s most don’t be afraid”

“Sometimes faith has growing pain!”

I think about my life and how I lost my job, and I’m back, relying on God’s provision via food stamps and social security.

I ponder and look every day for jobs.

Funds are low, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

I have a decision to make. I can be fearful, live in worry, or live in faith

I choose faith, optimism and life

Everything’s going to be ok.

Everything has always been ok. Even at it’s worst I don’t have to be afraid

My hope isn’t in this world but in a supernatural God empowered by His Holy Spirit and I live in peace

Everything’s going to be ok.

Sometimes faith has growing pain.

Faith doesn’t grow when things are going great, but in times of uncertainty, times of doubt, and trepidation

The pain of faith can be a catalyst or antagonist

Faith can push you into divine moment if you allow it

When you allow it pursue those moments ferociously

I refuse to die with my dreams inside of me

I rather die knowing I tried then not to have tried at all

The song writer says

“I tried and I tried”

“But with God one myside”

“I keep overcoming in this life”

“He’s the prize”

“With God through it all”

“Everything’s going to be ok!”

Think on this!

Philippians 4:8-9 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Put it into practice. And the God God of peace will be with you.

Think on what is true. Ignore the lies spoken over your life or the lives of your loved ones and friends. Speak true things that they may become power. You are more than enough. You are equipped for every battle you face. You are well able. You are strong and victorious. You can accomplish your dreams. You are a world changer and history maker. Think on these things, for they are true!

Think on what is noble. You are distinguished and set apart. You were not created to live an average, mediocre life. You were not designed to just live. You were created to thrive and succeed. Lack and struggle are not in your destiny. I believe it in my soul. You were created by a potter who loves every curve, every curl, every skin tone, every texture, and every unique character trait. You were created by a potter who created the universe, knows your end from your beginning, and has plans for your future. Who plans to bring you hope, success, prosperity, happiness, and more. You are a noble person, a holy nation, a royalty, and a unique gem. Please don’t forget your worth.

Think on what is right! This world is leading toward dictatorship, demagoguery, hate, and bigotry. What is right is freedom and the freedom of free speech, the pursuit of life, liberty, freedom of choice, equality, equity, inclusivity, love, peace, and acceptance. This is what is right! Demand your voices be heard and stand up for injustice; silence is not an option to hate and evil. Be the light in a dark world. This is what is right! This is a command each great leader has given us, from Mother Theresa to Dr. MLK JR. Black lives matter, Love is love. Trans lives matter.

Think on what is lovely. Love is love. Nature is lovely. Let’s love our earth back to health. Let’s love our mental health again. Let’s love those with addictions again. Let’s love those with autism again. Let’s love our military veterans abroad and home all branches equally again. Let’s love gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, and queer people again. Let’s love our children again. Let’s love the forgotten. Let’s love our elderly. Let’s love our communities and states again. Let’s love immigrants from all nations; let’s just love again without borders or boundaries. Without limitations and barriers. True love has no walls. I, as a Christian, want to love as Christ loved. For my fellow Christians, that means endless, unconditional, nonjudgmental, no limits, and without prejudice love. It’s empathic, from the soul and Spirit of God himself. That’s the love I want to give to every rich or poor, regardless of race, sexual orientation, disability, veteran status, or religious beliefs. I want to just love you! And I do!

If anything is excellent or admirable, think on such things. Pop culture is great. Sports are great. The stock market is fine. Fashion is great. Amazon Prime is amazing! 🙂 But all these things are not excellent or admirable. For they do nothing for my soul. What is admirable and excellent is that single parents fighting for their child’s future and working hard. What is admirable and excellent is that students turn down peer pressure to study to go to college or that college students turn down a frat party to research and do an internship. That MSW student on SSDI, trying to find a job while in school, overcoming mental health daily and doing an apprenticeship while choosing to study instead of partying and drinking with friends. (me!) That Pastor or Rabbi gives all they have weekly to their congregation, teaching the lesson of hope and faith. That therapist who overcame addiction is now running acute treatment facilities catering to people like them once battling addiction and mental health and a parent and spouses. That therapist of three juggling being a parent, owning their own practice while climbing the ladder of success. The preacher with two doctorate degrees, two masters, and an undergraduate just wants to spread the news of Jesus and love and is life coach and pours into the hearts of anyone willing to listen to wisdom. And the grandmother, who is a mother of 14, a grandmother of over 50 grandchildren and raised the majority of them, lived her life for God, overcame the great depression and segregation days, saw the first black president elected, and lived a dignified life until she lost her battle to cancer. These are admirable and excellent people, and things they have done to think of. These are people in my life. I know my readers have others they can think of.

Lastly, I leave with this quick prayer as the Apostle Paul did in Philippians. I pray the God of peace will be with you all the days of your life, and you may begin to believe the things you read and put them into practice.

-Domenia