Lament to Ascent

I lost me

I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.

A hollow mere image of a man who once smile

Did I break or whither in the sun

I open my mouth and nothing comes out

There are no more tears to cry

There is no anger to feel

My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic

I have nothing but body aches and pain

There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper

This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace

This is my Lament.

Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story

I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior

Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows

I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.

I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.

For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.

Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain

Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.

I will boast and not post.

Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.

On my worst days are he is still at his best

On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.

This is my ascent.

Facts:

I am realizing that stability is a choice.

I am responsible for my own actions regardless of the intensity of the emotion I feel at the present moment.

I realize emotions can feel uncomfortable and are often unwelcomed but they cannot harm me, for they have no power.

The only power they have is what I give them.

I have to ride the wave, sit back, accept what is being presented, experience it, not judge it and reflect. The proper thing to do is to question, “what can I learn from this experience?”

“What are these emotions here to teach me?”

“How can I use this experience to grow?”

I’m realizing growth is a choice. I can run from a situation. I have that option or look at it as a teacher.

Maybe everything in life is a teacher and we keep going around the same mountain or obstacle course until we realize that.

Jill says “feelings are not facts” and that has been the greatest lesson I’ve learned and Jill’s greatest sermon.

Danielle says to “radically accept almost everything and look at everything from a non-judgmental stance” my practice for life.

I think I am at that point in life where I want to just embrace it and grow; to heal and move on.

I don’t want to be stuck in tomorrow any longer. for today holds so many great mysteries even in its disappointments there are surprises.

I want to remain Surprisable.