But, God!

I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

But, God!

But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

But, God created my treatment team

But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter 

But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

But, God gave me back my parents

But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

But, God helped me graduate from PBA

But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

Now, God will continue to see me through.

Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

Everything’s going to be ok!

The songs writer says:

“Everything going to be ok.”

“At the worst”

“At it’s most don’t be afraid”

“Sometimes faith has growing pain!”

I think about my life and how I lost my job, and I’m back, relying on God’s provision via food stamps and social security.

I ponder and look every day for jobs.

Funds are low, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

I have a decision to make. I can be fearful, live in worry, or live in faith

I choose faith, optimism and life

Everything’s going to be ok.

Everything has always been ok. Even at it’s worst I don’t have to be afraid

My hope isn’t in this world but in a supernatural God empowered by His Holy Spirit and I live in peace

Everything’s going to be ok.

Sometimes faith has growing pain.

Faith doesn’t grow when things are going great, but in times of uncertainty, times of doubt, and trepidation

The pain of faith can be a catalyst or antagonist

Faith can push you into divine moment if you allow it

When you allow it pursue those moments ferociously

I refuse to die with my dreams inside of me

I rather die knowing I tried then not to have tried at all

The song writer says

“I tried and I tried”

“But with God one myside”

“I keep overcoming in this life”

“He’s the prize”

“With God through it all”

“Everything’s going to be ok!”

Have a new perspective: You can handle it!

God says in scripture, “weapons may be formed against us, but they will not prosper.

I am not sure why life hits us so hard. I am unsure why there are diseases, corruption, mass shootings, cancer, or death. Nor do I have the answer for it. I believe in a higher power who has the answer but will not always give it until we go through the trial and gain a new perspective.

I genuinely believe every trial and circumstance is meant to build us if we allow it. We can sit on the sidelines, have pity, become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or make a conscious decision that “I’m going to look at this differently and glean what I can and move onto my next assignment.

No devil in hell can stop you from reaching your true potential, not poverty, not illness, not disability or circumstances. You can only stop yourself! We are our own worst enemy and that saying is true.

I was recently fired from a job I loved working with adults with autism, intellectual disabilities, and developmental disabilities who live with co-existing medical and mental illnesses. I worked hard and followed the books. Two weeks before my probation was over, I was let go with the explanation that “I wasn’t a good fit.” I was depressed initially and stopped working out and eating. Then I listened to a sermon and some worship music and realized my job isn’t the source of my identity, nor is it responsible for my happiness. I am, and God alone is. I felt free.

I also realized there will be other jobs, and my career will continue. My destiny is not over. I am not less of a man, less anointed, less valuable, or unworthy. I am a child of God, his prize possession, the apple of his eye, and he loves me and has a great future planned for me. With more bumps and pit stops ahead. It’s important to remember that it’s a “pit stop and not a pitfall.” I had every right to feel every emotion I was feeling, but that didn’t give me the ok to stop living and have a pity party. If I can survive foster care, survive and live with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety, be in my first year of an MSW program, and overcome homelessness, I can overcome losing a job. God has gotten me through all that, and I learned so much from this job, about the population I like to work with, the hours I work better at, I gained my CPR/First Aid certification, and learned how to work while living with a mental illness. I gained so much. I’m grateful to God for this experience. If I could do it all over again, I would. I’m not bitter or angry. Nor am I sad. I am at peace with my creator, knowing he is in control and has crowned my life with favor, and my life will go on.

As will yours! You’re going to make it. Keep dreaming. No dream is too big for the creator to make come true. No goal is out of reach. Nothing is limiting you.

Have a new perspective: With God, you can, and you will handle this!

Domenia

Thanks n Pain

I woke up with the intention of this day being a great day. I wrote in my prayer journal telling Jesus what I’m thankful for and I meant every single word. I spent the holidays alone and after overcoming foster care and homelessness being alone on the holidays isn’t as tough. I have a home to be alone in and that makes a difference. I’m thankful. I was able to text and video my birth mom and even see my biological family and that’s where things went sour. I was called a n*igga because my Baptist family disrespects me and doesn’t accept me as a transgender man. I was called my *dead nickname instead of Zih or my preferred birthname Domenia. I was ignored and passed from family member to family member I haven’t seen in years who weren’t interested in me and my favorite aunt called me a n*igga. I refused to let that spoil my ground turkey taco day. I hung up with texted friends and supported and listened to sermons and I prayed. I felt at peace. I felt a stillness like God had heard me and I would be vindicated through love, not through wrath or vengeance. I don’t believe God is like that. Tacos were yummy. My friends were also isolated from families’ newbies in the game (it’s sad that that’s what I call it but it’s my numbness to it). I texted that aunt telling her to “never disrespect me again. My name is Domenia Zih. Just call me Domenia if you have nothing else to call me. I haven’t seen you in years. I froze when I saw you because I couldn’t believe it was you and you were alive. You are my favorite aunt. Who won’t respect me as a transgender man? Goodbye then. I’m done with the Dickey’s I’m not one of you guys and never have been. Don’t you ever call me a n*igga again or else I will sue you and bring you to family/civil court. Good Bye”

She texted me back explaining she always says that and I know it. I responded “I don’t know you. I was homeless for over 3 years and you were nowhere to be found. I tried to call you and get your son who I call my little brother sneakers and you wouldn’t respond to me. I tested you asking you to talk to me and why won’t you talk to me? I asked why are you judging me for being transgender when you are a minister? You remain quiet for years.” She sent laughing emojis so I contacted Verizon and blocked her. before I blocked her I warned her if she “reaches out to me again were going to court and I’m calling the cops for harassment and I meant it”

Why am I telling you this because this was painful? Something I have been avoiding experiencing. This experience proved growth. If this same experience happened to me before I was on my meds and found a home I’d be in the hospital for a suicide attempt. This experience allowed me to see my life differently and how I used to respond to situations and I don’t think if I hadn’t started my testosterone, my schizophrenia injection, or meds I would be able to tell this testimony. I’m not going to let anyone steal my joy or the progress I’ve made. I’m starting graduate school on Jan. 3rd, 2022. I’m no longer the victim but the victor. I am powerful. I am an overcomer. I am courageous. I am of good courage. I am a winner. I am a child of God. I am noble. I am patient, kind, loving, and peaceful.

Guess what, so are You, YES YOU!

Don’t let anyone pull you out of your character and make you feel less than a person or a child of the highest God. Don’t let anyone pull negativity out of you when out of you flows oils of mercy and meekness. Don’t let anyone treat you like shit either. Stand up for yourself with decency and integrity. count every day above the ground as a day to give thanks not just one day a year. You can accomplish your dream and aspire to achieve higher. I believe in you

Happy Thanksgiving.

Me!