Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Lament to Ascent

I lost me

I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.

A hollow mere image of a man who once smile

Did I break or whither in the sun

I open my mouth and nothing comes out

There are no more tears to cry

There is no anger to feel

My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic

I have nothing but body aches and pain

There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper

This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace

This is my Lament.

Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story

I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior

Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows

I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.

I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.

For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.

Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain

Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.

I will boast and not post.

Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.

On my worst days are he is still at his best

On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.

This is my ascent.

Have a new perspective: You can handle it!

God says in scripture, “weapons may be formed against us, but they will not prosper.

I am not sure why life hits us so hard. I am unsure why there are diseases, corruption, mass shootings, cancer, or death. Nor do I have the answer for it. I believe in a higher power who has the answer but will not always give it until we go through the trial and gain a new perspective.

I genuinely believe every trial and circumstance is meant to build us if we allow it. We can sit on the sidelines, have pity, become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or make a conscious decision that “I’m going to look at this differently and glean what I can and move onto my next assignment.

No devil in hell can stop you from reaching your true potential, not poverty, not illness, not disability or circumstances. You can only stop yourself! We are our own worst enemy and that saying is true.

I was recently fired from a job I loved working with adults with autism, intellectual disabilities, and developmental disabilities who live with co-existing medical and mental illnesses. I worked hard and followed the books. Two weeks before my probation was over, I was let go with the explanation that “I wasn’t a good fit.” I was depressed initially and stopped working out and eating. Then I listened to a sermon and some worship music and realized my job isn’t the source of my identity, nor is it responsible for my happiness. I am, and God alone is. I felt free.

I also realized there will be other jobs, and my career will continue. My destiny is not over. I am not less of a man, less anointed, less valuable, or unworthy. I am a child of God, his prize possession, the apple of his eye, and he loves me and has a great future planned for me. With more bumps and pit stops ahead. It’s important to remember that it’s a “pit stop and not a pitfall.” I had every right to feel every emotion I was feeling, but that didn’t give me the ok to stop living and have a pity party. If I can survive foster care, survive and live with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety, be in my first year of an MSW program, and overcome homelessness, I can overcome losing a job. God has gotten me through all that, and I learned so much from this job, about the population I like to work with, the hours I work better at, I gained my CPR/First Aid certification, and learned how to work while living with a mental illness. I gained so much. I’m grateful to God for this experience. If I could do it all over again, I would. I’m not bitter or angry. Nor am I sad. I am at peace with my creator, knowing he is in control and has crowned my life with favor, and my life will go on.

As will yours! You’re going to make it. Keep dreaming. No dream is too big for the creator to make come true. No goal is out of reach. Nothing is limiting you.

Have a new perspective: With God, you can, and you will handle this!

Domenia

Getting a little Stronger!

I can hardly see the words I type as tears fill my eyes.

Depression has come to visit me yet again.

I can no longer fake a smile.

I can no longer fake to give a damn anymore

I just want a hug and to be told “just wait, it’s what happens when you wait that matters”

I’m asking for too much

So I’ll just tell myself.

Everyday I’m getting a little stronger.

It’s okay to cry, let it out

I miss having family I miss having friends

Pastor talks about waiting on Jesus and I listen thinking how much longer do I have to wait?

I still have boobs

I’m still not in grad school

I’m just home making smoothies sending pics while people work and are living life and I’m almost 30 living off of disability.

I feel empty, unequal, worthless, lazy, stupid, just a bum

I physically am still recovering from a car accident from years ago. I’m recovering emotionally from a past that has left scars. I’m in recovery

In yet I say to Jesus, “I’m gonna wait on you”

I’m depressed but not faithless

I’m depressed but not hopeless

I’m depressed but not out

I’m depressed but going to keep fighting.

My faith will rise and like dust so will I

I’m choosing to be grateful that I have income. That I made one friend. That I have mom’s and a very special mentor mommy. That I have food. I’m going to be thankful that I have gadgets and coffee. I’m going to be grateful that I have a bed finally to myself. I’m going to be grateful I have a bunny and turtle. I’m going to be thankful that I have Jesus. I’m going to be grateful that I have Continuum, Elevation Church, Lakewood Church.

I’m depressed but choosing to fight every depressing thought with a thankful thought. I’m getting a little stronger. I just had to get this out.

People depression is real. And my medication will be adjusted and it will help until then I will wait on the Lord and be thankful. Because this could be a whole lot worse.

Pray I sleep Tonight.

Domenia Zih