A Letter to a mother:
When I first met you, you were the woman of my dreams. No one was better and I was proud to be your daughter. I was proud to tell the world “this is my mom.” Now I see a woman who has given up, allowed herself to be defeated by choices, never forgiven others who hurt you or for the hurt you caused. You’ve developed a mental illness, that when I look into your eyes and to see your soul, I can’t get past the pain, I hope to see life, but I see an empty soul, in a body that is content with just existing. That’s not the woman who I knew from the beginning. Where is my mom at? You’re still there, I know there is still good and possibility but you live dying.
I’ll never forget the words “I don’t know how to love you, and you no longer have to call me mom.” It was a relief because I knew the truth but a bullet that pierced my heart and it hasn’t healed. I thought that if I lived a life of excellence, a life of hard working, diligent in my studies and dedicated to God; you might change? It was then I realized it’s not my job to change you. You have to be able to see that there is more that God has intended for your life, and this is not the end.
My 24th My birthday was a trying one, it hurt not being able to talk to the woman (who can’t love me), birth me and my sacred twin brother who has threatened to do harm to me. How does one reconcile and accept that the family you were birthed into, are the ones that will hurt you, allow you to be hurt, and threaten your very existence. However, God has taught me, blessed me, given me many mother figures, I have brothers and sisters, I’ve just met my biological father, and in yet there is a void. This void is one that I have come to accept, but tears stream down my eyes.
I wrote my brother an email and stated that it hurt for me to be a part from my twin. It hurt not being able to give a gift, hug, or kiss the very soul that I shared room with in the womb for 9 months. I had to change my telephone number and was told not to even give it to my grandmother or family because of the actions and words of hate, anger and envy from you two.
God knows my heart when I say that I want nothing more for yo, then to succeed. Find happiness, passion and live a life of purpose. Who wants to allow hate and strife to take up space in your heart or your mind. I know I won’t. It’s best for us to be a part. It’s when we’re are a part we’re the closet. When I don’t hear news about you is when I can rest at night. No news is good news. I have taken authority over my life, and as young adult I refuse to allow you to make me depressed, alter my state of mind, control me, make me feel unsafe, install fear and allow you to habitually hurt me. It’s a choice I’ve made based on history, words and actions you’ve declared.
So my message to my fellow readers is, to know that sometimes you have to step aside if it means it will be creating a better you. Sometimes you have cease communication not forever, but for the moment so that you will prosper. It’s not a negative self aspect to finally put yourself first. It’s not that you think you’re better then whomever it is, it’s just your path has taken a different course, and/or that season has ended. Not every relationship, job anything is meant forever. There is an end and how that happens is what creates curiosity in our creator.
Read this and know I don’t want sympathy but my goal is to encourage your hearts and to tell you, that it’s time to start living for yourself.
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