Stability isn’t linear.

Dear Friends,

I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”

I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.

I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.

I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.

Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.

6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.

So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.

Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!

My medication and organization

Think on this!

Philippians 4:8-9 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Put it into practice. And the God God of peace will be with you.

Think on what is true. Ignore the lies spoken over your life or the lives of your loved ones and friends. Speak true things that they may become power. You are more than enough. You are equipped for every battle you face. You are well able. You are strong and victorious. You can accomplish your dreams. You are a world changer and history maker. Think on these things, for they are true!

Think on what is noble. You are distinguished and set apart. You were not created to live an average, mediocre life. You were not designed to just live. You were created to thrive and succeed. Lack and struggle are not in your destiny. I believe it in my soul. You were created by a potter who loves every curve, every curl, every skin tone, every texture, and every unique character trait. You were created by a potter who created the universe, knows your end from your beginning, and has plans for your future. Who plans to bring you hope, success, prosperity, happiness, and more. You are a noble person, a holy nation, a royalty, and a unique gem. Please don’t forget your worth.

Think on what is right! This world is leading toward dictatorship, demagoguery, hate, and bigotry. What is right is freedom and the freedom of free speech, the pursuit of life, liberty, freedom of choice, equality, equity, inclusivity, love, peace, and acceptance. This is what is right! Demand your voices be heard and stand up for injustice; silence is not an option to hate and evil. Be the light in a dark world. This is what is right! This is a command each great leader has given us, from Mother Theresa to Dr. MLK JR. Black lives matter, Love is love. Trans lives matter.

Think on what is lovely. Love is love. Nature is lovely. Let’s love our earth back to health. Let’s love our mental health again. Let’s love those with addictions again. Let’s love those with autism again. Let’s love our military veterans abroad and home all branches equally again. Let’s love gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, and queer people again. Let’s love our children again. Let’s love the forgotten. Let’s love our elderly. Let’s love our communities and states again. Let’s love immigrants from all nations; let’s just love again without borders or boundaries. Without limitations and barriers. True love has no walls. I, as a Christian, want to love as Christ loved. For my fellow Christians, that means endless, unconditional, nonjudgmental, no limits, and without prejudice love. It’s empathic, from the soul and Spirit of God himself. That’s the love I want to give to every rich or poor, regardless of race, sexual orientation, disability, veteran status, or religious beliefs. I want to just love you! And I do!

If anything is excellent or admirable, think on such things. Pop culture is great. Sports are great. The stock market is fine. Fashion is great. Amazon Prime is amazing! 🙂 But all these things are not excellent or admirable. For they do nothing for my soul. What is admirable and excellent is that single parents fighting for their child’s future and working hard. What is admirable and excellent is that students turn down peer pressure to study to go to college or that college students turn down a frat party to research and do an internship. That MSW student on SSDI, trying to find a job while in school, overcoming mental health daily and doing an apprenticeship while choosing to study instead of partying and drinking with friends. (me!) That Pastor or Rabbi gives all they have weekly to their congregation, teaching the lesson of hope and faith. That therapist who overcame addiction is now running acute treatment facilities catering to people like them once battling addiction and mental health and a parent and spouses. That therapist of three juggling being a parent, owning their own practice while climbing the ladder of success. The preacher with two doctorate degrees, two masters, and an undergraduate just wants to spread the news of Jesus and love and is life coach and pours into the hearts of anyone willing to listen to wisdom. And the grandmother, who is a mother of 14, a grandmother of over 50 grandchildren and raised the majority of them, lived her life for God, overcame the great depression and segregation days, saw the first black president elected, and lived a dignified life until she lost her battle to cancer. These are admirable and excellent people, and things they have done to think of. These are people in my life. I know my readers have others they can think of.

Lastly, I leave with this quick prayer as the Apostle Paul did in Philippians. I pray the God of peace will be with you all the days of your life, and you may begin to believe the things you read and put them into practice.

-Domenia

Facts:

I am realizing that stability is a choice.

I am responsible for my own actions regardless of the intensity of the emotion I feel at the present moment.

I realize emotions can feel uncomfortable and are often unwelcomed but they cannot harm me, for they have no power.

The only power they have is what I give them.

I have to ride the wave, sit back, accept what is being presented, experience it, not judge it and reflect. The proper thing to do is to question, “what can I learn from this experience?”

“What are these emotions here to teach me?”

“How can I use this experience to grow?”

I’m realizing growth is a choice. I can run from a situation. I have that option or look at it as a teacher.

Maybe everything in life is a teacher and we keep going around the same mountain or obstacle course until we realize that.

Jill says “feelings are not facts” and that has been the greatest lesson I’ve learned and Jill’s greatest sermon.

Danielle says to “radically accept almost everything and look at everything from a non-judgmental stance” my practice for life.

I think I am at that point in life where I want to just embrace it and grow; to heal and move on.

I don’t want to be stuck in tomorrow any longer. for today holds so many great mysteries even in its disappointments there are surprises.

I want to remain Surprisable. 

Kwanzaa Kujichagulia

Kujichagulia ~ Self Determination. “To Define Ourselves, Name Ourselves, Create For Ourselves And Speak For Ourselves

What are you determined to change about yourself to improve?

What are you determined about this world change?

What are you determined in this world to use your voice for to make ripples in the water to speak for future generations to come?

What gets you fired up? What makes you angry enough to say, enough is enough? What are you determined to be the change for this year and for eternity?

I take this Nguza Saba principle as a charge or order, and a question to answer.

One that will be answered when you have lived out your “dash.” What do I mean about living by saying “living out your dash” When you die there is the day you are born and a dash between the day you die. What is remembered and eulogized is the “dash”

One question:

What will your dash say?

I pray in hope mine will say, brave, courageous, noble warrior who lived for truth and self-actualization. Who saught out the light in everyone and every situation. Saw every obstacle as an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. Grounded in integrity bathed in righteousness that can only be crown from the King of the Heavens. Educated and educator. Father and philanthropist, prolific public speaker, and minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Transgender yet transcendent. Lover and a fighter. The reader of words and life. Self-determined to make life better not only for himself but for those coming behind and beside him. A giant slayer and generational leader. This is my hope for the readers of my “dash”

What are yours?

Habari Gani!

Joyous Kwanzaa.

In remembrance of Archbishop Desmond Tutu