But, God!

I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God

I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God

I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God

I had given up hope and was dying. But, God

I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God

I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God

I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God

But, God!

But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.

But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.

But, God saw me through each suicide attempt

But, God got me through each emotional breakdown

But, God created my treatment team

But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother

But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence

But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship

But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter 

But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son

But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university

But, God gave me back my parents

But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.

But, God helped me graduate from PBA

But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU

But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.

Now, God will continue to see me through.

Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.

Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.

Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.

I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.

I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!

Letter to a Mother

A Letter to a mother:

When I first met you, you were the woman of my dreams. No one was better and I was proud to be your daughter. I was proud to tell the world “this is my mom.” Now I see a woman who has given up, allowed herself to be defeated by choices, never forgiven others who hurt you or for the hurt you caused. You’ve developed a mental illness, that when I look into your eyes and to see your soul, I can’t get past the pain, I hope to see life, but I see an empty soul, in a body that is content with just existing. That’s not the woman who I knew from the beginning. Where is my mom at? You’re still there, I know there is still good and possibility but you live dying.

I’ll never forget the words “I don’t know how to love you, and you no longer have to call me mom.” It was a relief because I knew the truth but a bullet that pierced my heart and it hasn’t healed. I thought that if I lived a life of excellence, a life of hard working, diligent in my studies and dedicated to God; you might change? It was then I realized it’s not my job to change you. You have to be able to see that there is more that God has intended for your life, and this is not the end.

My 24^th My birthday was a trying one, it hurt not being able to talk to the woman (who can’t love me), birth me and my sacred twin brother who has threatened to do harm to me. How does one reconcile and accept that the family you were birthed into, are the ones that will hurt you, allow you to be hurt, and threaten your very existence. However, God has taught me, blessed me, given me many mother figures, I have brothers and sisters, I’ve just met my biological father, and in yet there is a void. This void is one that I have come to accept, but tears stream down my eyes.

I wrote my brother an email and stated that it hurt for me to be a part from my twin. It hurt not being able to give a gift, hug, or kiss the very soul that I shared room with in the womb for 9 months. I had to change my telephone number and was told not to even give it to my grandmother or family because of the actions and words of hate, anger and envy from you two.

God knows my heart when I say that I want nothing more for yo, then to succeed. Find happiness, passion and live a life of purpose. Who wants to allow hate and strife to take up space in your heart or your mind. I know I won’t. It’s best for us to be a part. It’s when we’re are a part we’re the closet. When I don’t hear news about you is when I can rest at night. No news is good news. I have taken authority over my life, and as young adult I refuse to allow you to make me depressed, alter my state of mind, control me, make me feel unsafe, install fear and allow you to habitually hurt me. It’s a choice I’ve made based on history, words and actions you’ve declared.

So my message to my fellow readers is, to know that sometimes you have to step aside if it means it will be creating a better you. Sometimes you have cease communication not forever, but for the moment so that you will prosper. It’s not a negative self aspect to finally put yourself first. It’s not that you think you’re better then whomever it is, it’s just your path has taken a different course, and/or that season has ended. Not every relationship, job anything is meant forever. There is an end and how that happens is what creates curiosity in our creator.

Read this and know I don’t want sympathy but my goal is to encourage your hearts and to tell you, that it’s time to start living for yourself.

Domenia Dickey

Happy Birthday, Big Brother!

My birthday is tomorrow. My birthday brings mixed feelings. This birthday I feel a lost, for my twin brother is like the prodigal son and I am the son doing what is right while our father [God] is pleased but seems to want my twin more.

To my brother out there, happy birthday. I pray your day is a blessed one. It hurts me that this is another year that we as twins are separated but your words have penetrated my heart, you threatened the sister the came out the womb 11 minutes after you. You broke what was sacred.

Hate and anger attempted to burden my heart. It’s easy to hate. It’s hard to forgive. However, if I don’t forgive a piece of my heart and mind will be distracted from my calling, my passion and my relationship with God.

So know even though it’s best for us to be separate, I make it my job to reflect on only the good. I make it my job to speak positive about you. I make it my job to pray for your success, life, liberty and pursuit of true authentic happiness.

The hurt you’ve caused will never out weigh the love I have for you, nor the love that God has for you. I love you big brother. I pray that you continue to find yourself in a world with little guidance. I pray you find God and are spiritually transformed. You deserve the good and abundant life that Jesus died to offer you.

Know this is coming from my heart. Know I forgive you. Know I will not allow myself to be hurt repeatedly and abused, and I have learned to love from a distance.

I know you will be a great man of God. I know that one day you will find him. I know you are a great artist and cook. I know you’re a man of many friends. I also know that you get lonely and feel misunderstood. Because I can feel it and you’re not alone.

God, knew your pain before it started, he knows your finish before you have completed your final works on this earth. God just wants a relationship with you, to heal your mind and mend your broken heart. This is his birthday present for you.

My birthday present to you is unconditional love, no judgment just prayers of blessings.

To anyone who sees my twin, tell him I said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

Happy New Years

What an incredible birthday. I’ve learned that blood is not thicker than water, in fact, it can be just as thin. In my life water has been more has provided more nourishment and blood has needed many transfusions. This was my first birthday away from my twin and I am sure it will not be my last. Being away was the vacation I needed. My biological mom decided to make it about her but a little angel (5 years old) made sure I had fun. It’s sad that these moments are not shared with my bio. family (not all are bad) but my happiness comes first. I can no longer allow their beliefs, laws and actions dictate how I will live my life.

This is what happiness means to me: flying as an eagle whether that means living far away, traveling, attending different college, changing my beliefs, dating women or men, attending a secular or christian church, drinking on the weekends, having coffee at night, dressing as a lady or more masculine (portraying a gender that I feel connected to at that moment), studying psychology and law. I am my own person separate and set apart to live a glorious life.

To my dear twin brother, I feel as though this is where we can part, for this is who I am: I am a women with a mood disorder and anxiety disorder (to my family as well) I take medication to live a healthy and happy life, I am an introvert and I prefer to be alone, I get grumpy at night, I enjoy hikes (the outdoors), I want to sky dive, I am a student with a traveling spirit, understand that yes, I am moving to Florida and one day California, and, the Europe and Africa. To my brother and biological mother it’s not to late to have a relationship but on my terms or your settings; you’ve had your chance and you’ve hurt me and I will not allow it anymore. I will not allow you to swear at me. I can and if I have to I will live without you. You will treat me as a human being.

I am a child of God. Even my twin, the brother that I shared space with while in the womb will not stop me from living an abundant life. To my biological mother life is more painful with you. So sorry to say such a hurtful thing, but, it’s the truth of my heart. This is my new year, my beginning and I am making a life of my own; embarking on a new adventure, new relationships and a future.

 

– Domenia L. Dickey