Lament to Ascent
I lost me
I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.
A hollow mere image of a man who once smile
Did I break or whither in the sun
I open my mouth and nothing comes out
There are no more tears to cry
There is no anger to feel
My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic
I have nothing but body aches and pain
There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper
This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace
This is my Lament.
Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story
I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior
Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows
I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.
I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.
For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.
Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain
Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.
I will boast and not post.
Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.
On my worst days are he is still at his best
On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.
This is my ascent.
Have a new perspective: You can handle it!
God says in scripture, “weapons may be formed against us, but they will not prosper.
I am not sure why life hits us so hard. I am unsure why there are diseases, corruption, mass shootings, cancer, or death. Nor do I have the answer for it. I believe in a higher power who has the answer but will not always give it until we go through the trial and gain a new perspective.
I genuinely believe every trial and circumstance is meant to build us if we allow it. We can sit on the sidelines, have pity, become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or make a conscious decision that “I’m going to look at this differently and glean what I can and move onto my next assignment.
No devil in hell can stop you from reaching your true potential, not poverty, not illness, not disability or circumstances. You can only stop yourself! We are our own worst enemy and that saying is true.
I was recently fired from a job I loved working with adults with autism, intellectual disabilities, and developmental disabilities who live with co-existing medical and mental illnesses. I worked hard and followed the books. Two weeks before my probation was over, I was let go with the explanation that “I wasn’t a good fit.” I was depressed initially and stopped working out and eating. Then I listened to a sermon and some worship music and realized my job isn’t the source of my identity, nor is it responsible for my happiness. I am, and God alone is. I felt free.
I also realized there will be other jobs, and my career will continue. My destiny is not over. I am not less of a man, less anointed, less valuable, or unworthy. I am a child of God, his prize possession, the apple of his eye, and he loves me and has a great future planned for me. With more bumps and pit stops ahead. It’s important to remember that it’s a “pit stop and not a pitfall.” I had every right to feel every emotion I was feeling, but that didn’t give me the ok to stop living and have a pity party. If I can survive foster care, survive and live with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety, be in my first year of an MSW program, and overcome homelessness, I can overcome losing a job. God has gotten me through all that, and I learned so much from this job, about the population I like to work with, the hours I work better at, I gained my CPR/First Aid certification, and learned how to work while living with a mental illness. I gained so much. I’m grateful to God for this experience. If I could do it all over again, I would. I’m not bitter or angry. Nor am I sad. I am at peace with my creator, knowing he is in control and has crowned my life with favor, and my life will go on.
As will yours! You’re going to make it. Keep dreaming. No dream is too big for the creator to make come true. No goal is out of reach. Nothing is limiting you.
Have a new perspective: With God, you can, and you will handle this!
I am realizing that stability is a choice.
I am responsible for my own actions regardless of the intensity of the emotion I feel at the present moment.
I realize emotions can feel uncomfortable and are often unwelcomed but they cannot harm me, for they have no power.
The only power they have is what I give them.
I have to ride the wave, sit back, accept what is being presented, experience it, not judge it and reflect. The proper thing to do is to question, “what can I learn from this experience?”
“What are these emotions here to teach me?”
“How can I use this experience to grow?”
I’m realizing growth is a choice. I can run from a situation. I have that option or look at it as a teacher.
Maybe everything in life is a teacher and we keep going around the same mountain or obstacle course until we realize that.
Jill says “feelings are not facts” and that has been the greatest lesson I’ve learned and Jill’s greatest sermon.
Danielle says to “radically accept almost everything and look at everything from a non-judgmental stance” my practice for life.
I think I am at that point in life where I want to just embrace it and grow; to heal and move on.
I don’t want to be stuck in tomorrow any longer. for today holds so many great mysteries even in its disappointments there are surprises.
I want to remain Surprisable.
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