Getting a little Stronger!

I can hardly see the words I type as tears fill my eyes.

Depression has come to visit me yet again.

I can no longer fake a smile.

I can no longer fake to give a damn anymore

I just want a hug and to be told “just wait, it’s what happens when you wait that matters”

I’m asking for too much

So I’ll just tell myself.

Everyday I’m getting a little stronger.

It’s okay to cry, let it out

I miss having family I miss having friends

Pastor talks about waiting on Jesus and I listen thinking how much longer do I have to wait?

I still have boobs

I’m still not in grad school

I’m just home making smoothies sending pics while people work and are living life and I’m almost 30 living off of disability.

I feel empty, unequal, worthless, lazy, stupid, just a bum

I physically am still recovering from a car accident from years ago. I’m recovering emotionally from a past that has left scars. I’m in recovery

In yet I say to Jesus, “I’m gonna wait on you”

I’m depressed but not faithless

I’m depressed but not hopeless

I’m depressed but not out

I’m depressed but going to keep fighting.

My faith will rise and like dust so will I

I’m choosing to be grateful that I have income. That I made one friend. That I have mom’s and a very special mentor mommy. That I have food. I’m going to be thankful that I have gadgets and coffee. I’m going to be grateful that I have a bed finally to myself. I’m going to be grateful I have a bunny and turtle. I’m going to be thankful that I have Jesus. I’m going to be grateful that I have Continuum, Elevation Church, Lakewood Church.

I’m depressed but choosing to fight every depressing thought with a thankful thought. I’m getting a little stronger. I just had to get this out.

People depression is real. And my medication will be adjusted and it will help until then I will wait on the Lord and be thankful. Because this could be a whole lot worse.

Pray I sleep Tonight.

Domenia Zih

State of my UNION

Dear Tim Scott,

Great job. Not! Your rebuttal was full of empty words, increased divisiveness between the American people, a disgrace to our black ancestors who blood and sweat built this country lastly I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost the vote and support of every black man and women whom you once inspired; now you’ve been a black sell out for the falsehood of a partisan lie.

Do you know what it’s like to be poor? Do you know what it’s like to be on food stamps, living on disability, and begging for a opportunity to make it out the hood as a black transgender (FTM) man? Do you know my pain? Do you know what it’s like waiting in a state building for your food stamps renewal to go through? or Medicaid? or Medicare? Try waiting for 3 hours on a good day with kids screaming and crying lines out the door. Poverty looks great, huh!

Why hinder President Biden?

Let me tell you and America my story. Raised in foster care. Paid my way through college with loans and scholarships. Hit by a car. Worked years as a barista at Starbucks (are you a vanilla latte-guy?). I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, depression and psychosis. My medication costs more than 3k a month. In yet I studied hard and went to school. With a foster family who loved me on condition. I attempted suicide after the accident and in a mixed episode state my foster parents said they could give me a sleeping bag but I could not come home. I lived on the beach. I showered in the ocean. I was dirty. I stinked. I was poor. To this day without my mentor mommy I would not be able to eat healthy and lose weight if she didn’t give me money for food. I only get 158$ a month for food stamps.My rent is almost 300$ and my disability is 700$. Don’t forget bills! We need the Biden package. People like me! I worked and worked at a restaurant so I could get a free meal. Eventually I joined a program called Continuum of Care, received medicaid, disability, found public housing (still there) and am living with chronic pain from a body that never healed correctly after being hit by a car while riding a bike from work in the rain at night because a white cop gave me an order, threatened me and I obeyed. Because of my obedience I was hit and because of my obedience the cop blamed me for the accident. No parents. Just a mentor who is my mommy. A praying God mother. And Continuum of Care.

Because of Continuum I have a home, treatment, insurance, and income. Continuum exists because of people like President Biden and Vice President Harris.

I am now applying for a msw program so I can start a real life and a family. Hopefully find a wife. I dream of starting a program where youth in foster care can age out go to college out of state and have a home to come to, earn a driver’s license, and mentor high school foster youth and have successful and powerful internships in the state of CT; so I can work on breaking the inner city negative poverty mindset. It’s no fun to make it out alone. I want a team!

President Biden, package yes, is pricey. I know. Work with him. We as America need both parties. Being progressive for me doesn’t mean being democrat it means continually pressing towards a goal for the better good of mankind.

Let’s stop knocking each other down and let’s start building one another up. If Jesus were to see what America has come to be he’d be disappointed. Love one another as you love yourself. Question,have you ever spoken to a transgender person and asked our story? What’s it like coming out? What’s it like going through another puberty? Continually asserting your pronouns and being afraid to use the bathrooms. Afraid to go to church. I came out to my church and there was a prayer circle around me to change. Some people treated me like a disease and pastors who were my aunts never answered my phone calls. My family disowned me twice.

Lastly! I think you should go to Oakland Cali. With sweatpants, hoodie and Jordans. Go to a bodega buy a Pepsi (you guys still boycotting Coke?)and see how the police treat you. They won’t see Senator Tim Scott..They will see a black man! I live in New Haven Connecticut and they will see a black man you will be stopped and asked questions if you’re lucky and harrassed. Not everyone in America is racist. But America was built on racism, genocide, greed, hate and lust. Don’t be blind to the truth for the sake of anyone and/or political party. Open your eyes! America sees you!

Truly,

Domenia Zih

Kwanzaa 2020: Umoja

Kwanzaa:

The time of the year when I blog the most however, this year my soul is in a hidden place.

Nguzo Saba:

I am We

I am because We are.

Covid almost choked the heart of my african heritage out of me.

I refuse to let it go

I held strong to the memories layed down before me across the road traveled before

I celebrate with tears

My shelter of safety with those I once a year put politics aside and celebrate what makes me BLACK and African American is shattered.

The glue has worn off

My elders are sick

The little ones I do not know

Umoja into the abyss

There are no more teachers or lessons; I have the degree

There are no more cooked meals and laughter

No more dancing and singing

Celebration of faith

Umoja dismayed

However Umoja is ingrained in my heart. woven with a needle. pierced with hot stamp

Umoja with me

Umoja is me forever.

Umoja as a trans queer christian man

Umoja means unity.

Joyous Kwanzaa!

VOTE!

I Vote for Freedom!

Vote like your life depends on it

Vote like your country is counting on it

Vote and demand your voice to be heard

Vote…take a stand for our democracy

Vote for those who can’t

Vote for the children too young to understand.

Get into trouble

Good trouble

Vote for the elderly

Vote for social welfare programs

Vote for public funding and education

Vote for freedom, law, and liberty

During a pandemic

When the very threat of our lives are at risk

Mail-in ballots a questionable

Absentee ballots not available

Long lines, confined spaces, no filter air systems breeding ground for the coronavirus

Scary and dark times we live in

I don’t know the right answer. I have a compromised immune system

However, November 3rd, 2020 call me “crazy” call me “Stupid” I’ll be in the line with you

Risking my health to VOTE!

Can’t trust our current leadership I have a chance to make a change with a pen

Vote with me

Vote Progressive

Vote Blue

America needs you.

I need you.

The children need you.

The elderly need you.

And, this isn’t just me but for US, you+me!

Get a Mask! Stand 6ft away.

Vote November 3rd, 2020 United States of America!