Cock it, and pull it!

So I was totally going to write a post and be all emo about it. Then I started talking to woman in Starbucks and my motivation changed. I was going to complain and feed my emotions. Then I realized that there’re not “facts” So then I’m stuck with thoughts, I’m aware of my fears, I’m aware of my short comings, I’m aware that as the song writer says “I’m at an all time low” and then a question just popped up in my head

When do I grow up?

When do I stop blaming others and realize my own power?

When do I take authority of my life? When is it no longer just an illness living?

When do I take an abstract look my problems to the infinite number of solutions?

When do I grow the “fuck” up?

Yes, I’m bipolar. Yes, I have psychosis and ADD. So whatttt…. So many people have this illness.. How do I “integrate” with what is a part of me, and, the other 75% of me?  Or do I just stay stuck. Cock it, and pull it?

Problem: I got sick this semester, and had to get withdraw. With that withdraw, I now owe 2k to my school and must pay before I attend my next semester. I was fired from a great job, because I was hospitalized, and was under my 3 month probation period. I’m losing my housing, and slowly gaining another. I have 730$ in my savings enough for one more month in my apartment but not another month worth utilities. No money for a bus pass, nor food, to live on. Fear: I might be going to a shelter, until my second housing falls through. Reality: I start a new job in a week. It’s not all bad

Solution:  well, my hypo-manic mind says, get drunk, and cock it and pull it. Reality: I won’t have to worry about housing; and I’d be another statistic

Solution: allow my hypo-mania to grow into full blown mania, and not give a shit, listen to my brain, skip my meds and see if I really do have super powers.  Reality: the hospital will be my next destination

Solution: Take deep breathes, and not focus on the “what if(s)” in life. Create a payment plan with my school for when I start to work. (I just did!) Accept that I will get sick, and I will, at times need to take time away from school. I’ll (slowly) pay my fees, then I’ll go back. Solution: Stay active in free time reading and work hard; staying medicated, and get through this hypo-mania episode maybe exercise!

I’ll take number 3

I’m not sure why I felt like this was worth a blog, but I think it is. I’m not an expert (yet!) on bipolar disorder and psychosis. But I know that, with any mental illness, we want to take the quick route, and cock it, and pull it! We don’t see other angles for our problems. We see more problems. We see colors and trigger words, and we make incorrect actions. I kind of was doing this and considering “suicide”.

Today 4/27/2017, I was going to overdose and drink. Then I identified the emotions, the situation, and solutions; I yelled, and started to dance on the town green. Being in the moment and free of a diagnosis.

Then I thought about my writings, and the conversations I just had with a writer for the washington post, and I organized my thoughts and asked myself  “when am I going to grow the fuck up?”

When things get hard, and emotions to much, sometimes I’ll cut, become suicidal and get sick. But then I realized that I have control, I do. We do! I may not have control over my payments, housings etc, but I have control over how I respond, and that there is more to life than my conflicts.

The saying: “I’m down. but not out”, applies here. I’m choosing to stay true to Domenia, my values, my faith and gripping a hold of my freedom.

I grew up today! A minute older and, a minute wiser!

When did you grow up?

 

-Domenia

 

 

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