Partner and Friend

Dear Partner and Friend

This is a letter I am writing to the soul of a man that I love.

I am not going to apologize for who I am. It has taken me years to accept myself and I am not going to take a step back, to fit into anyone’s world.

My talk is like a field of flowers, and present weeds, full of different colors, different smells, annoyances, knots and mud. In one breath pleasant the next you see my weeds, and their curses.

I have no ass. I have medium size breasts. I am chocolate skinned toned with imperfections. I have dimples in my skin and cellulite on my thighs. My stomach hangs over my pants. I have thick legs, and thighs. My feet are a size 9.5 in men. I have stretch marks on my stomach, you’d assume I’d already have a child. This is my body. This is who I am.

Everyday, I go to the gym working out trying to fit the image of your Lauren, or your Nova. Then I take pills, and get my bi-weekly shot and realize, I won’t be them. I’m not longer going to fill like I am second best. I am no longer to feel ashamed of who I am, my body, my imperfections.

I’m going to love me. This summer, I, Domenia am going to love myself, with or without anyone by my side.

I have ADD, I can’t focus, my mind wonders, I say the first thing that comes to mind, I can’t remember things well, hint why I take Strattera. I have bipolar disorder, meaning there are times I will not be able to get out of bed, I will need help showering and constant reminders of the positives when my mind shows me the negatives. I will have the energy of a child at times, I will run a 5k and won’t be tired, my thoughts will race, to the common man, I’ll won’t make sense, but to me it’s the piece to my puzzle of mental chaos. I have psychosis, I hear voices that you cannot hear. This is why I take Tegretol. My voices are evil, they yell and are commanding, telling me to do the darkest things in the world. I see things that you cannot see, they scare me, they torment me. I have tactile hallucinations my visions and voices physically hurt me, I cannot explain but it’s my truth. I get paranoid that people can read my mind, hear my thoughts and sometimes are out to get me. This is why I get a a shot of an anti-psychotic, Risperidol bi-weekly and take a pill four times a day, to control such torment. I struggle with anxiety, of fears that are habitual and make no sense so I take Ativan, Neurontin, and Inderal, to control this and my many panic attacks. I take medicine 4 times a day. This is a part of me, that my family is ashamed of, and why I have been disowned by many. But this is my life and my reality. I accept it, because fighting it torture in itself. There is no pill for denial.

I don’t have name brand clothes. I mean I was homeless all last summer, I’m finally getting somewhere and food is more important than wearing Nike.

I’m not a girl, I am gender fluid. I dress gender neutral. I can wear a dress or a man suit and still be confident in who I am. I’m attracted to women. I am. I love women. My heart chose you.

You can listen to the bees in the garden, if you want. But I’m not going to have a intimate relationship with someone who lives in fear, that I will cheat, or break up with them for the same sex, and values more what the bees have to say, than my heart.

I’m not going to apologize for who I am. I’m “ok” with me. Are you “ok” with me? If you’re not, I don’t give a fuck, because my love and loyalty to you will not change, but we will live in just a friendship and think about the “could have” and “maybe’s”

I’d give my kidneys for you. If you get deployed, I’d write you everyday. You mean to world to me. As a partner, or friend.

I’m not changing me though for anyone, I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. I love being a big kid, being brainy, a geek, have flavorful conversations about the randomness in life and much more.

I accept you, why won’t you stop being ashamed and accept me? You could be 300 pounds and I’d be there for you without judgment. That’s what a partner does and a friend.

Maybe friendship is our calling. So you can lust after other women, and be the poly-romantic individual you are. Maybe.

Maybe.

To my readers, don’t be ashamed of your mental illness. Don’t let your spouse, friends, family degrade you, destroy you, bring you don’t. I know it’s easier said than done, but I pray you learn your true values, and develop friendships and relationships with the right people. We are given one life to live, lets smile as much as possible. So it your 50 and spongebob and fruity pebbles make you happy, fuck it, eat your fruity pebbles and watch spongebob. You can do this. You can live a great life. I’m praying for you. And feel free to respond at anytime. You can do this! You got this!

No more shame.

No more guilt

This is me!

 

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