My diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder
I dream about becoming the Commissioner of Department of Children and Families of Connecticut (foster care system), graduate from Yale Law School, and just maybe run for state Senator. I go to sleep dreaming about success, and having a better life for myself and future family.
I used to catch on really quick, verbally eloquent, fast with an amazing memory. Since I started to develop this disease and had to be placed on medication; it’s not as easy as it use to be. To this day I’m not sure if I was ever as good as I thought I was and it not being a result of mania and delusions. Bipolar Disorder is more than mood swings, our brain are wired differently. We process emotions at intense and prolonged levels. Our brains can suffer and many of times the ending results are permanent cognitive deficits. Some people assume that it’s the result of medication. 50% of that can be true. But naturally one living with such a disorder brain struggles, frankly.
I just read an article about cognitive deficits and Bipolar Disorder, I cried. I thought I was going crazy and I thought I was alone battling this illness. I also thought that this illness was just about mood swings. I never thought about what it was doing to my brain, and what medications would be doing to my brain. It felt like a now-win situation. At this point in life, I am not stable on my own enough to live without medication. My thoughts get scattered, racing thoughts, suicidal idealizations, depression, mania, anxiety, paranoia and hallucinations. Hell, I’m just starting to accept myself, and learning my strengths and weakness. I cried because I didn’t see hope. I cried because I have a dream, and I don’t want to die without seeing my dream become my reality. My biological mom ignores her illness, and has allowed it to destroy and take over her life, living in denial and not using her true potential. I refuse to go out like that!
So today, I make a choice from 6/25/2015 to be healthy, and to not give up on myself and my dreams. I know I can do it! I can’t be a Barista forever. I’m willing to work hard, and stay on medication, stay in therapy and to create a stable life for myself and future family.
I know I’ll be judge for writing about my personal life on-line, but there needs to be more awareness about mental health and the struggle. So much stigma surrounds it. I may have a mental illness but it’s only a part of me. I guess I’m just going to have to study a lot harder, commit to a schedule, and keep reading. This blog post was meant to inspire, create hope and to create awareness.
So the next time you feel like using any mental disorder out of context educate yourselves and become aware of the true struggle; then pray you never have to deal with it or a loved one, and if you do pray that you’ll be equipped!