The heart that matters

I just listened to my pastor speak about the “heart that matters.” I’m still getting used to this softer approach to Jesus, instead of the condemnation I was raised listening to in sermons. Shot of a a young couple making a heart shape with their fingers outdoors

The gist of the sermon was not to continually contemplate our faults, imperfections, failures and “lack off’s”. It’s the heart behind the faults, imperfections, and failures that matters. This is the main ingredient to the Christian faith; we are not perfect and fall many times, it’s the heart that matters and how we get back up.

An unusual topic for me to hear with love and in love esp. by a pastor. However, it’s true. I’ve hurt many people and acted outside of my character. Having a mental illness I am different and I process life differently. I never intend to hurt a soul. It hurts me when I find out I hurt someone. It hurts because I know the feeling of rejection, self-hate, judgment; feelings of projected anger and just ugliness. I know these feelings all too well. Knowing I inflicted this hurt onto another soul I resent, reject. self-loathe and I become bitter towards myself. Then it becomes a cycle!

My heart is always in the right place. This is the story with most of us. We don’t want to hurt other people, let alone neglect our various religious beliefs maybe even our family values. It’s the heart that matters. When we evaluate ourselves we should inspect our intent and the execution of what happened. Be honest with ourselves. Genuinely make amends if possible. If not we need to forgive ourselves. The “move on”.

I know as a Christian God doesn’t remember every act that’s negative we commit. He looks at the heart behind the action. I bet Allah and Buddha do too. We need to realize every person born and even animal will make mistakes, it’s getting back up that counts. It’s the heart of getting up and moving on; allowing each incident to be a teacher so that we grow into the beautiful people we are.

We grow from glory to glory. God already is in love with us. God already adores us, we have his personal stamp of approval. God smiles reign on us daily. We are his children and creation. He cheers for us as we play the game of life and even if we miss the mark he is the coach encouraging us to get up and keep playing.

Friends, you may not believe in the God I do. I respect you. You are validated in my heart! You may be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddist, even Atheist but when we fall to the source of our creation who just wants us to win the fight of life. Life’s short and we are to keep getting up, fighting, and making a difference for others. It’s the “heart that matters”. We will not be perfect. I will never be perfect. However, I will commit to being the best version of myself I can be.

What’s great about that is no one can be you but “you”. You’re a unique and divine creation. You’re the only you. I’m the only me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot be happy, nor does it entail that we don’t deserve happiness. We deserve all the blessings, favor, joy, contentment with all of creation and from our creators.

So please, smile today. Let tomorrow be tomorrow. Know you’re the best “you” today. Let tomorrow be a mystery and embrace it when we face it.

Blessings,

Domenia Zih

Dammit, I’m 30!

I cannot sleep for this day is near.

I’m 30 years old!

I wish my grandma could see this day.

Me as a man. A BLACK man!

I wish my brother could see me, as his lil brother

So much to wish for but much more to be grateful for.

I’m a working man again.

I’m having top surgery.

I’m applying to graduate school for MSW and Psychology

I’m finishing up a certification for Recovery Support Specialist. (I should be studying shhh)

I created my own family

My bio mom is in my life

My momma bear (mentor mommy) never left my life

I joined support groups and made online friends

OMG I’m still crushing…on this one girl who has blown my mind shhhhh….

I’m having ups and middles with my mental health

I’m John Leviticus of the Exodus personal pain in the ass. Along with everyone at COC..(it’s a joke)

I’m getting support for my eating disorder and joined weight watchers…it’s working.

I love going to church online.

I pray more and read more. I smile more. I don’t cry more. I sleep more.

Told you more good than bad is happening

I have goals like getting a driver’s license start saving for a bigger place or just saving to have a savings

Overall I’m worried a lot more while not being able to add another hour to my day

I still trust Jesus I still have hope. I still standing on a prayer.

You guys…….

I’m 30!!!!!!!!!

I’m 30!

I’m at it AGAIN!

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by Lilly on Pinterest

One day at a time. I know. I’m just excited about my future. And at PEACE with myself. There are still ups and downs. More ups though. With a clearer focus. So I’m getting there. Not ready to be 100% financially stable but getting there.

Great news!

My disability will not stop me, and will not always be a disability. It will one day be just a thorn in my side that I take medication for like everyone else. I welcome this life and prayerfully 3 years from now I will be updating my blog and write about my freedom and 100% self-independence.

I was offered many but after I accepted a camp job that I feel is right for me.

Am I nervous? Yes. Am I ready? I think so. Yes. I’m going to help teach youth STEM-related topics through disguised learning. I’m happy. Happy, because now I’m a taxpayer again. Happy, because I am going to make friends. Happy, because I have a responsibility. Happy because I’m taking the first step towards my own self-actualization.

I’m still bipolar with psychosis and still am diagnosed with ADD while living with an eating disorder. However, I am no longer living with the chains of my illness as a collar around my neck as a pet would. I’m finding myself and this is step one. 3 years. 3 long years. I’m a year closer to my MSW program and closer to becoming an LMSW and a year closer to starting my own business.

To the disabled person listening and reading, do not limit yourself. You can make it. You will make it. As the great Jill Griffin and Dr. Mouriz and John L. (LCSW) have told me a thousand times remember; one day at a time. I have much farther to go. I have more growth to make. As do the average person. We haven’t made it until we have. 

God Bless and Good Luck

Domenia Zih

Getting a little Stronger!

I can hardly see the words I type as tears fill my eyes.

Depression has come to visit me yet again.

I can no longer fake a smile.

I can no longer fake to give a damn anymore

I just want a hug and to be told “just wait, it’s what happens when you wait that matters”

I’m asking for too much

So I’ll just tell myself.

Everyday I’m getting a little stronger.

It’s okay to cry, let it out

I miss having family I miss having friends

Pastor talks about waiting on Jesus and I listen thinking how much longer do I have to wait?

I still have boobs

I’m still not in grad school

I’m just home making smoothies sending pics while people work and are living life and I’m almost 30 living off of disability.

I feel empty, unequal, worthless, lazy, stupid, just a bum

I physically am still recovering from a car accident from years ago. I’m recovering emotionally from a past that has left scars. I’m in recovery

In yet I say to Jesus, “I’m gonna wait on you”

I’m depressed but not faithless

I’m depressed but not hopeless

I’m depressed but not out

I’m depressed but going to keep fighting.

My faith will rise and like dust so will I

I’m choosing to be grateful that I have income. That I made one friend. That I have mom’s and a very special mentor mommy. That I have food. I’m going to be thankful that I have gadgets and coffee. I’m going to be grateful that I have a bed finally to myself. I’m going to be grateful I have a bunny and turtle. I’m going to be thankful that I have Jesus. I’m going to be grateful that I have Continuum, Elevation Church, Lakewood Church.

I’m depressed but choosing to fight every depressing thought with a thankful thought. I’m getting a little stronger. I just had to get this out.

People depression is real. And my medication will be adjusted and it will help until then I will wait on the Lord and be thankful. Because this could be a whole lot worse.

Pray I sleep Tonight.

Domenia Zih

State of my UNION

Dear Tim Scott,

Great job. Not! Your rebuttal was full of empty words, increased divisiveness between the American people, a disgrace to our black ancestors who blood and sweat built this country lastly I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost the vote and support of every black man and women whom you once inspired; now you’ve been a black sell out for the falsehood of a partisan lie.

Do you know what it’s like to be poor? Do you know what it’s like to be on food stamps, living on disability, and begging for a opportunity to make it out the hood as a black transgender (FTM) man? Do you know my pain? Do you know what it’s like waiting in a state building for your food stamps renewal to go through? or Medicaid? or Medicare? Try waiting for 3 hours on a good day with kids screaming and crying lines out the door. Poverty looks great, huh!

Why hinder President Biden?

Let me tell you and America my story. Raised in foster care. Paid my way through college with loans and scholarships. Hit by a car. Worked years as a barista at Starbucks (are you a vanilla latte-guy?). I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, depression and psychosis. My medication costs more than 3k a month. In yet I studied hard and went to school. With a foster family who loved me on condition. I attempted suicide after the accident and in a mixed episode state my foster parents said they could give me a sleeping bag but I could not come home. I lived on the beach. I showered in the ocean. I was dirty. I stinked. I was poor. To this day without my mentor mommy I would not be able to eat healthy and lose weight if she didn’t give me money for food. I only get 158$ a month for food stamps.My rent is almost 300$ and my disability is 700$. Don’t forget bills! We need the Biden package. People like me! I worked and worked at a restaurant so I could get a free meal. Eventually I joined a program called Continuum of Care, received medicaid, disability, found public housing (still there) and am living with chronic pain from a body that never healed correctly after being hit by a car while riding a bike from work in the rain at night because a white cop gave me an order, threatened me and I obeyed. Because of my obedience I was hit and because of my obedience the cop blamed me for the accident. No parents. Just a mentor who is my mommy. A praying God mother. And Continuum of Care.

Because of Continuum I have a home, treatment, insurance, and income. Continuum exists because of people like President Biden and Vice President Harris.

I am now applying for a msw program so I can start a real life and a family. Hopefully find a wife. I dream of starting a program where youth in foster care can age out go to college out of state and have a home to come to, earn a driver’s license, and mentor high school foster youth and have successful and powerful internships in the state of CT; so I can work on breaking the inner city negative poverty mindset. It’s no fun to make it out alone. I want a team!

President Biden, package yes, is pricey. I know. Work with him. We as America need both parties. Being progressive for me doesn’t mean being democrat it means continually pressing towards a goal for the better good of mankind.

Let’s stop knocking each other down and let’s start building one another up. If Jesus were to see what America has come to be he’d be disappointed. Love one another as you love yourself. Question,have you ever spoken to a transgender person and asked our story? What’s it like coming out? What’s it like going through another puberty? Continually asserting your pronouns and being afraid to use the bathrooms. Afraid to go to church. I came out to my church and there was a prayer circle around me to change. Some people treated me like a disease and pastors who were my aunts never answered my phone calls. My family disowned me twice.

Lastly! I think you should go to Oakland Cali. With sweatpants, hoodie and Jordans. Go to a bodega buy a Pepsi (you guys still boycotting Coke?)and see how the police treat you. They won’t see Senator Tim Scott..They will see a black man! I live in New Haven Connecticut and they will see a black man you will be stopped and asked questions if you’re lucky and harrassed. Not everyone in America is racist. But America was built on racism, genocide, greed, hate and lust. Don’t be blind to the truth for the sake of anyone and/or political party. Open your eyes! America sees you!

Truly,

Domenia Zih