I wasn’t supposed to be alive. But, God
I had a plan to kill myself by the age of 25. But, God
I thought my mental illness, homelessness, and lack of family would be my end. But, God
I had given up hope and was dying. But, God
I was dirty, sick, and a lost sheep. But, God
I had ruined all relationships, went into debt, and squandered almost everything I had. But, God
I had turned to alcohol and smoking cig to mask my pain. But, God
But, God never gave up on me when my parents did.
But, God never gave up on me when the church preached who I loved and was were an abomination.
But, God saw me through each suicide attempt
But, God got me through each emotional breakdown
But, God created my treatment team
But, God saw me through the death of my only grandmother
But, God is seeing me through the lack of my families existence
But, God is providing for me during this financial hardship
But, God united me with a mentor who would treat me like her son ever on our hard days, who is pure joy and goodness and a husband who has been a protector and comforter
But, God connected me with Dr. Rev Barnes to worship, pray and cheer each other on like mother and son
But, God connected me with Dr. Kate through knowledge and university
But, God gave me back my parents
But, God gave me medication that has saved my life. Helped me reach stability.
But, God helped me graduate from PBA
But, God helped me get accepted to IWU, now WNMU
But, God saw my end from my beginning. Nothing was a surprise to him. He knew I’d make, and He knows I’m a world changer and history maker just beginning.
Now, God will continue to see me through.
Now, God will bring my hopes, dreams, and more than I can imagine to reality.
Now, God is my hope for tomorrow and my reason to wake up for the future.
Now, God is and always has been the source of my testimony, and I refuse to be shamed not to share it, for He’s never been ashamed of me and not bless me and be there for me. If you think your reading or being a part of my life is by luck, you’re wrong. You were divinely placed for this specific time before the world of creation began. God has a future for you, and He loves you. He, too, is waiting for you to realize like I have your “But, God” moment.
I have realized that without God, I’d be dust, and with God, I can do everything.
I’ll be 31 in 4 days. This, according to my plans, wasn’t meant to be. But, God!
Stability isn’t linear.
I can say I’ve been reasonably stable for about 5 years. I haven’t been hospitalized for 5 years, but I still have ups and downs. As you know, I was recently fired from my job. That was not easy emotionally to handle. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. According to The MayoClinic, “Schizoaffective disorder symptoms may vary from person to person. People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder — either bipolar type (episodes of mania and sometimes depression) or depressive type (episodes of depression).”
I become depressed very fast, then manic very fast. Yet, I created a safety plan to stay in control. I felt so low I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t brush my teeth or shower. Then I became manic overnight. I was fluttered with ideas, starting art projects, still not showering, felt destructive, felt impulsive, felt superiors, felt empowered by superpowers, and felt like I was a God. Eventually, minor hallucinations started. I would see shadows and bugs. I immediately called my team and said, “I need help” Medication was increased, and so was therapy. My mentor even went into action and became the mom I needed. Rev. Dr. Barn (Mama Barnes) became the spiritual mom I needed, grounding me in prayer and scripture to read. And my professors extended time for assignments. This is my team. This kept me grounded. Even though my mind was becoming irrational, I fought the irrational. With the power of my God, intellect stayed home, didn’t spend money, stayed away from sharps, cooked every night, did the artwork, went to bed on time even though I couldn’t sleep, and remained goal focused to become healthy.
I came to realize what I’ve always known as accurate recovery isn’t linear. It comes in waves. Recovery is possible. Recovery is achievable. I take medicine four times daily, with as-needed prn for anxiety and hallucinations. I also get a six-month inter muscular injection for my schizoaffective disorder. It has changed my life. Thank you, APRN. Sue Brown, for starting me on my first shot because it was my first step in recovery and stability through medication. I take medicine to stable my mood, for ADHD, to help me sleep, to help me with my autism symptoms, to ease my depression symptoms, and more.
I want you to know that I wouldn’t be where I am without God, and that’s my belief. I wouldn’t be where I am without my team. I have three therapists, an APRN, PCP, nutritionist, personal trainer, spiritual leader, and mentor. I don’t have a traditional family, but God gave me a team to make up for what I don’t have, and now I’m making trans friends. Call me lucky, but I say I’m blessed.
Before I was stabled, I have hospitalized a minimum of 5 times a month. I hit one year 50 times in a year. I was miserable. I was a self-harmer. I hurt others with my words, I couldn’t keep a job, complained about everything, and was very ungrateful, leading to me being mentally ill and homeless. I saw addicts with substance illness overdose, I lived in a therapeutic shelter, I lived in an independent living home, and I lived not knowing my next move. Tantrums, crying tears, and praying for a home.
6 years ago this July, I got a studio apartment, my own home, then a year in a bunny rabbit named Jhonni Root-Canal. Then 3 years in, I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. I graduated from college and am now pursuing my MSW at Western New Mexico State University. I feel honored. I have a 3.85 GPA. I am an honor student. I am happy.
So recovery isn’t linear. I had a pit stop at depression and mania, but it wasn’t a pitfall. I am searching for a new job. My savings is almost gone. But I am strong and well able to overcome anything and everything that comes my way. Because the strength, I believe, comes from the Holy Spirit, my team, and my medication.
Recovery is possible, and it’s hard. Please feel no shame or condemnation wherever you are in your recovery. Don’t feel shame for needing medication because it saves lives and is a blessing. You can do anything with it, and without it is hard to do almost everything. Don’t feel disqualified because of your mental illness or disability. It’s not a flaw. It’s a character enhancement. You are wonderfully created by the creator. Stay encouraged. I posted pictures of my meds and injection to see a piece of my life. Thanks for reading. Keep pursuing your recovery! You got this!
Everything’s going to be ok!
The songs writer says:
“Everything going to be ok.”
“At the worst”
“At it’s most don’t be afraid”
“Sometimes faith has growing pain!”
I think about my life and how I lost my job, and I’m back, relying on God’s provision via food stamps and social security.
I ponder and look every day for jobs.
Funds are low, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.
I have a decision to make. I can be fearful, live in worry, or live in faith
I choose faith, optimism and life
Everything’s going to be ok.
Everything has always been ok. Even at it’s worst I don’t have to be afraid
My hope isn’t in this world but in a supernatural God empowered by His Holy Spirit and I live in peace
Everything’s going to be ok.
Sometimes faith has growing pain.
Faith doesn’t grow when things are going great, but in times of uncertainty, times of doubt, and trepidation
The pain of faith can be a catalyst or antagonist
Faith can push you into divine moment if you allow it
When you allow it pursue those moments ferociously
I refuse to die with my dreams inside of me
I rather die knowing I tried then not to have tried at all
The song writer says
“I tried and I tried”
“But with God one myside”
“I keep overcoming in this life”
“He’s the prize”
“With God through it all”
“Everything’s going to be ok!”
Think on this!
Philippians 4:8-9 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Put it into practice. And the God God of peace will be with you.
Think on what is true. Ignore the lies spoken over your life or the lives of your loved ones and friends. Speak true things that they may become power. You are more than enough. You are equipped for every battle you face. You are well able. You are strong and victorious. You can accomplish your dreams. You are a world changer and history maker. Think on these things, for they are true!
Think on what is noble. You are distinguished and set apart. You were not created to live an average, mediocre life. You were not designed to just live. You were created to thrive and succeed. Lack and struggle are not in your destiny. I believe it in my soul. You were created by a potter who loves every curve, every curl, every skin tone, every texture, and every unique character trait. You were created by a potter who created the universe, knows your end from your beginning, and has plans for your future. Who plans to bring you hope, success, prosperity, happiness, and more. You are a noble person, a holy nation, a royalty, and a unique gem. Please don’t forget your worth.
Think on what is right! This world is leading toward dictatorship, demagoguery, hate, and bigotry. What is right is freedom and the freedom of free speech, the pursuit of life, liberty, freedom of choice, equality, equity, inclusivity, love, peace, and acceptance. This is what is right! Demand your voices be heard and stand up for injustice; silence is not an option to hate and evil. Be the light in a dark world. This is what is right! This is a command each great leader has given us, from Mother Theresa to Dr. MLK JR. Black lives matter, Love is love. Trans lives matter.
Think on what is lovely. Love is love. Nature is lovely. Let’s love our earth back to health. Let’s love our mental health again. Let’s love those with addictions again. Let’s love those with autism again. Let’s love our military veterans abroad and home all branches equally again. Let’s love gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, nonbinary, and queer people again. Let’s love our children again. Let’s love the forgotten. Let’s love our elderly. Let’s love our communities and states again. Let’s love immigrants from all nations; let’s just love again without borders or boundaries. Without limitations and barriers. True love has no walls. I, as a Christian, want to love as Christ loved. For my fellow Christians, that means endless, unconditional, nonjudgmental, no limits, and without prejudice love. It’s empathic, from the soul and Spirit of God himself. That’s the love I want to give to every rich or poor, regardless of race, sexual orientation, disability, veteran status, or religious beliefs. I want to just love you! And I do!
If anything is excellent or admirable, think on such things. Pop culture is great. Sports are great. The stock market is fine. Fashion is great. Amazon Prime is amazing! 🙂 But all these things are not excellent or admirable. For they do nothing for my soul. What is admirable and excellent is that single parents fighting for their child’s future and working hard. What is admirable and excellent is that students turn down peer pressure to study to go to college or that college students turn down a frat party to research and do an internship. That MSW student on SSDI, trying to find a job while in school, overcoming mental health daily and doing an apprenticeship while choosing to study instead of partying and drinking with friends. (me!) That Pastor or Rabbi gives all they have weekly to their congregation, teaching the lesson of hope and faith. That therapist who overcame addiction is now running acute treatment facilities catering to people like them once battling addiction and mental health and a parent and spouses. That therapist of three juggling being a parent, owning their own practice while climbing the ladder of success. The preacher with two doctorate degrees, two masters, and an undergraduate just wants to spread the news of Jesus and love and is life coach and pours into the hearts of anyone willing to listen to wisdom. And the grandmother, who is a mother of 14, a grandmother of over 50 grandchildren and raised the majority of them, lived her life for God, overcame the great depression and segregation days, saw the first black president elected, and lived a dignified life until she lost her battle to cancer. These are admirable and excellent people, and things they have done to think of. These are people in my life. I know my readers have others they can think of.
Lastly, I leave with this quick prayer as the Apostle Paul did in Philippians. I pray the God of peace will be with you all the days of your life, and you may begin to believe the things you read and put them into practice.
Lament to Ascent
I lost me
I look in the mirror, and I see a shell.
A hollow mere image of a man who once smile
Did I break or whither in the sun
I open my mouth and nothing comes out
There are no more tears to cry
There is no anger to feel
My bipolar is raging one moment I’m energetic the next moment I’m lethargic
I have nothing but body aches and pain
There is silence, and stillness and I’m desperate for a righteous whisper
This is my thorn and I was taught where there is a thorn there is grace
This is my Lament.
Therefore through the pains, sadness, grief, and disappointment, I will choose another story
I will listen to the music of worship that lifts up the works of a risen savior
Therefore through the pains, bipolar manic highs and depressive lows
I will magnify and glorify the one true God who has seen me through this before.
I will eat. I will go on a walk. I will talk to my providers. I will speak with my ministers. I will talk with my mentor. I will pour out to those who pour life back into me.
For God is within the valley as he was with me on the mountain.
Every day isn’t a rainbow but it sure isn’t rain
Even when it rains it produces new life. And the rainbow comes to an end.
I will boast and not post.
Stand in reverence, awe, and amazement of the creator of all. All his good works and deeds.
On my worst days are he is still at his best
On my worst days, he is still really close, closer than a brother and nearer than a friend.
This is my ascent.
Have a new perspective: You can handle it!
God says in scripture, “weapons may be formed against us, but they will not prosper.
I am not sure why life hits us so hard. I am unsure why there are diseases, corruption, mass shootings, cancer, or death. Nor do I have the answer for it. I believe in a higher power who has the answer but will not always give it until we go through the trial and gain a new perspective.
I genuinely believe every trial and circumstance is meant to build us if we allow it. We can sit on the sidelines, have pity, become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, or make a conscious decision that “I’m going to look at this differently and glean what I can and move onto my next assignment.
No devil in hell can stop you from reaching your true potential, not poverty, not illness, not disability or circumstances. You can only stop yourself! We are our own worst enemy and that saying is true.
I was recently fired from a job I loved working with adults with autism, intellectual disabilities, and developmental disabilities who live with co-existing medical and mental illnesses. I worked hard and followed the books. Two weeks before my probation was over, I was let go with the explanation that “I wasn’t a good fit.” I was depressed initially and stopped working out and eating. Then I listened to a sermon and some worship music and realized my job isn’t the source of my identity, nor is it responsible for my happiness. I am, and God alone is. I felt free.
I also realized there will be other jobs, and my career will continue. My destiny is not over. I am not less of a man, less anointed, less valuable, or unworthy. I am a child of God, his prize possession, the apple of his eye, and he loves me and has a great future planned for me. With more bumps and pit stops ahead. It’s important to remember that it’s a “pit stop and not a pitfall.” I had every right to feel every emotion I was feeling, but that didn’t give me the ok to stop living and have a pity party. If I can survive foster care, survive and live with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and anxiety, be in my first year of an MSW program, and overcome homelessness, I can overcome losing a job. God has gotten me through all that, and I learned so much from this job, about the population I like to work with, the hours I work better at, I gained my CPR/First Aid certification, and learned how to work while living with a mental illness. I gained so much. I’m grateful to God for this experience. If I could do it all over again, I would. I’m not bitter or angry. Nor am I sad. I am at peace with my creator, knowing he is in control and has crowned my life with favor, and my life will go on.
As will yours! You’re going to make it. Keep dreaming. No dream is too big for the creator to make come true. No goal is out of reach. Nothing is limiting you.
Have a new perspective: With God, you can, and you will handle this!
State of my UNION
Dear Tim Scott,
Great job. Not! Your rebuttal was full of empty words, increased divisiveness between the American people, a disgrace to our black ancestors who blood and sweat built this country lastly I wouldn’t be surprised if you lost the vote and support of every black man and women whom you once inspired; now you’ve been a black sell out for the falsehood of a partisan lie.
Do you know what it’s like to be poor? Do you know what it’s like to be on food stamps, living on disability, and begging for a opportunity to make it out the hood as a black transgender (FTM) man? Do you know my pain? Do you know what it’s like waiting in a state building for your food stamps renewal to go through? or Medicaid? or Medicare? Try waiting for 3 hours on a good day with kids screaming and crying lines out the door. Poverty looks great, huh!
Why hinder President Biden?
Let me tell you and America my story. Raised in foster care. Paid my way through college with loans and scholarships. Hit by a car. Worked years as a barista at Starbucks (are you a vanilla latte-guy?). I have bipolar disorder with anxiety, depression and psychosis. My medication costs more than 3k a month. In yet I studied hard and went to school. With a foster family who loved me on condition. I attempted suicide after the accident and in a mixed episode state my foster parents said they could give me a sleeping bag but I could not come home. I lived on the beach. I showered in the ocean. I was dirty. I stinked. I was poor. To this day without my mentor mommy I would not be able to eat healthy and lose weight if she didn’t give me money for food. I only get 158$ a month for food stamps.My rent is almost 300$ and my disability is 700$. Don’t forget bills! We need the Biden package. People like me! I worked and worked at a restaurant so I could get a free meal. Eventually I joined a program called Continuum of Care, received medicaid, disability, found public housing (still there) and am living with chronic pain from a body that never healed correctly after being hit by a car while riding a bike from work in the rain at night because a white cop gave me an order, threatened me and I obeyed. Because of my obedience I was hit and because of my obedience the cop blamed me for the accident. No parents. Just a mentor who is my mommy. A praying God mother. And Continuum of Care.
Because of Continuum I have a home, treatment, insurance, and income. Continuum exists because of people like President Biden and Vice President Harris.
I am now applying for a msw program so I can start a real life and a family. Hopefully find a wife. I dream of starting a program where youth in foster care can age out go to college out of state and have a home to come to, earn a driver’s license, and mentor high school foster youth and have successful and powerful internships in the state of CT; so I can work on breaking the inner city negative poverty mindset. It’s no fun to make it out alone. I want a team!
President Biden, package yes, is pricey. I know. Work with him. We as America need both parties. Being progressive for me doesn’t mean being democrat it means continually pressing towards a goal for the better good of mankind.
Let’s stop knocking each other down and let’s start building one another up. If Jesus were to see what America has come to be he’d be disappointed. Love one another as you love yourself. Question,have you ever spoken to a transgender person and asked our story? What’s it like coming out? What’s it like going through another puberty? Continually asserting your pronouns and being afraid to use the bathrooms. Afraid to go to church. I came out to my church and there was a prayer circle around me to change. Some people treated me like a disease and pastors who were my aunts never answered my phone calls. My family disowned me twice.
Lastly! I think you should go to Oakland Cali. With sweatpants, hoodie and Jordans. Go to a bodega buy a Pepsi (you guys still boycotting Coke?)and see how the police treat you. They won’t see Senator Tim Scott..They will see a black man! I live in New Haven Connecticut and they will see a black man you will be stopped and asked questions if you’re lucky and harrassed. Not everyone in America is racist. But America was built on racism, genocide, greed, hate and lust. Don’t be blind to the truth for the sake of anyone and/or political party. Open your eyes! America sees you!
Just BLACK n’ scared
Just BLACK n’ scared
I’m angry. I’m pissed. I’m hurting. There’s not a word magnificent enough nor profound enough to express how black and scared I am. I am a black trans man. The rate of me being killed are high by a policeman, by a white person, and by a black person. Does my life matter? Or am I just a mere atom taking up space in what we call existence waiting to die and decompose in the ground. To die the black illnesses high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, diabetes, Covid-19 or worse by the gun of a white man; a white cop?
Out of mind out of sight! or is it Out of sight out of mind?!
When is one black life enough? When does it stop? How do I tell young black men, young trans men you have a future when in reality their life is seconds away from none…
White people. White fucking people! WHITE MOTHERFUCKING PEOPLE, will you stop killing me? White people, what is one black life worth to you? WHITE PEOPLE, hear the cries from the earth. All we want to do is live! We get it your better than us. We get it you deserve all the power. We get it your superior to us. We fucking get it. So I ask BLACK PEOPLE, we have to force change and challenge that ideology in order for change to come.
WHITE PEOPLE, we can buy your clothing and organic food. We can speak like you and attend your schools. (sometimes!) We can hide our blackness but as the sun fade, you only see our teeth. As the sunshine, we only look like a shadow.
WHITE PEOPLE, what the fuck are you afraid of? What the fuck are you afraid of? Why are you killing our sons and daughters? Why are we falsely accused of crimes we didn’t commit? Why do we live in the slums?? Why do we pay to your tithes and offerings for your churches to grow and build more Starbucks and were looking for a Dunkin Donuts.
BLACK PEOPLE RAISE YOUR VOICE! YES!!!! YES!!! I’m screaming…You can’t hear my voice so hear my words. I’m SCREAMING and pulling my hair…MY PEOPLE ARE DYING…EVERY DAY…EVERY YEAR..more death after death it is something that has come to be the daily norm and WHITE FUCKING PEOPLE walk away with good conscious and a clear record.
BLACK PEOPLE let’s mobilize. BLACK PEOPLE let’s organize. SYSTEMIC Racism is a disease and we must find a cure for it ourselves. WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES. I’m Angry. I’m Hurt. I’m Scared. If I don’t look the right way or answer in the correct tone my name may be next in the news..
GOD HEAR OUR CRY. FORGIVE US. CHANGE US. HEAL US. Black people and White people. GOD you see no color. God, you see your children. GOD you see no orientation you see your people. Jesus, you see your brothers and sisters. Jesus, we are the ones you died for and we are dying every day.
BLACK PEOPLE cry out to the sun and moon. BLACK PEOPLE jump and shout until there is a mighty earthquake. BLACK PEOPLE stop killing each other as a white person show. BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. BLACK GAY PEOPLE. BLACK MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. BLACK INCARCERATED. BLACK FREE PEOPLE. BLACK CHILDREN. BLACK MEN. BLACK WOMEN. BLACK TRANS PEOPLE. BLACK NON BINARY PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE. GOD’s PEOPLE.
SHOUT, MAKE A MIGHTY RAWR
I’m fucking angry. I’m hurting and this pain doesn’t go away. I numb it. BUT NO MORE. NO MORE I SAY. NO MORE!
BLACK PEOPLE. MY PEOPLE LET’s BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE. LET’s DEMAND THE CHANGE WE NEED. LET’s HEAL OUR PEOPLE. LET’s EDUCATE our people starting out with lesson one: WE ARE BLACK and BLACK FIRST. Unapologetically BLACK. WE ARE the successors of SLAVERY. We OVERCAME JIM FUCKING CROW. WE ARE STRONG. WE WILL FUCKING DEFEAT DONALD JACKASS TRUMP!!!! WE ARE MIGHTY IN THE LAND. WE ARE BLACK. and yet SCARED!
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The heart that matters
I just listened to my pastor speak about the “heart that matters.” I’m still getting used to this softer approach to Jesus, instead of the condemnation I was raised listening to in sermons.
The gist of the sermon was not to continually contemplate our faults, imperfections, failures and “lack off’s”. It’s the heart behind the faults, imperfections, and failures that matters. This is the main ingredient to the Christian faith; we are not perfect and fall many times, it’s the heart that matters and how we get back up.
An unusual topic for me to hear with love and in love esp. by a pastor. However, it’s true. I’ve hurt many people and acted outside of my character. Having a mental illness I am different and I process life differently. I never intend to hurt a soul. It hurts me when I find out I hurt someone. It hurts because I know the feeling of rejection, self-hate, judgment; feelings of projected anger and just ugliness. I know these feelings all too well. Knowing I inflicted this hurt onto another soul I resent, reject. self-loathe and I become bitter towards myself. Then it becomes a cycle!
My heart is always in the right place. This is the story with most of us. We don’t want to hurt other people, let alone neglect our various religious beliefs maybe even our family values. It’s the heart that matters. When we evaluate ourselves we should inspect our intent and the execution of what happened. Be honest with ourselves. Genuinely make amends if possible. If not we need to forgive ourselves. The “move on”.
I know as a Christian God doesn’t remember every act that’s negative we commit. He looks at the heart behind the action. I bet Allah and Buddha do too. We need to realize every person born and even animal will make mistakes, it’s getting back up that counts. It’s the heart of getting up and moving on; allowing each incident to be a teacher so that we grow into the beautiful people we are.
We grow from glory to glory. God already is in love with us. God already adores us, we have his personal stamp of approval. God smiles reign on us daily. We are his children and creation. He cheers for us as we play the game of life and even if we miss the mark he is the coach encouraging us to get up and keep playing.
Friends, you may not believe in the God I do. I respect you. You are validated in my heart! You may be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddist, even Atheist but when we fall to the source of our creation who just wants us to win the fight of life. Life’s short and we are to keep getting up, fighting, and making a difference for others. It’s the “heart that matters”. We will not be perfect. I will never be perfect. However, I will commit to being the best version of myself I can be.
What’s great about that is no one can be you but “you”. You’re a unique and divine creation. You’re the only you. I’m the only me. But that doesn’t mean we cannot be happy, nor does it entail that we don’t deserve happiness. We deserve all the blessings, favor, joy, contentment with all of creation and from our creators.
So please, smile today. Let tomorrow be tomorrow. Know you’re the best “you” today. Let tomorrow be a mystery and embrace it when we face it.
I am never alone.
With the many faces, I see
The many voices I never hear
As long as the season change
As long as children still play and laugh
As long as babies are born
As long as trees give shade in the sunlight
Days are longer, not shorter
And the Sun rises as the Moon Sets
I am never alone
I believe I am the answered prayer of a slave.
I believe that the God of my slave ancestors is outside of religion space and time
I believe that God is consistent and his word is his bond (promises)!
hell on earth
calamity and suffering; on this he was clear
I know of the suffering of the black slaves
I know the suffering of generations to come and I empathize and stand to chant
BLACK LIVES MATTER
God’s truth holds in court
God assures peaks of peace and times of prosperous soulful restoration
the movement and belief that BlACK LIVES MATTER
witnesses to the struggle of souls
and the promised and answered prayers of slaves
that we would marry wisdom, dance with destiny and find peace in chaos
Proclaim our integrity
We will walk along with the historical negro voices
Our feet will hit rock, and legs will get scarred
Our voices will unite in a war cry
then, you will see our war dance
My people, My black people:
Stand with justice
And, light lady liberty’s flame
Be proud of our kinky hair and dark skin.
Black is beautiful.
God did not give us reason for doubt
But, he (God) promised a journey unlike any humans and overwhelming opportunities
I always wonder one day beside my name will they say “first negro to accomplish this” (whatever “this” is)
I was once a slave
But now we awaken and is FREE!
I was a slave until those cops killed my black brothers and sisters
I was a slave until I was denied rights based on the color of my skin
I was a slave until, I realized as a race, as a people; whom we were meant to be.
“Like Dust, I RISE!” Angelou said
For we are the rhythm and beat of a negro hymn
We triumph in memory believing, God is with us and gave a new name, a new identity and called us to a high calling
He called us his people, then he called us friend
and birthed us purposefully in an era of change, reconstruction, and opportunity
This is what I believe!
I am Broken!
but my wings are not clipped
I’m a witness to my humanity
and I own it
I can’t run like the old days
but that doesn’t mean I can’t jog
I finally feel human
the continuous struggle adjacent to the habitual strive
I get it! I’m human
and I own it
my soul has been broken
my voice has been stolen
my tears flow continuously
my eye bear witness to my humanity
I speak with a pen
until the day my voice is needed
with every step, I enter into a battle
equipped to with the spirit of a fighter
I am fighting a human race
I often wake up to yesterday
from a dream about tomorrow
I feel and know
Broken enough to survive
Broken enough to pray
Broken enough to smile
Broken enough to strive for healing
To be planted in the dirt
To be watered as I am the seed
and like dust, the poet said “I rise”
To challenge history and gain authority
to know that the only way up, is down
the only way to come on top is to own one’s own brokenness
Young Man, Young Woman
no true soul conquers their journey from the top
that soul goes low
and then it is high.
In my imperfection is your glory
In my depression, I dream
In the darkness there is hope
when my faith is tired, and amidst a storm
when suicide is prevalent there is an escape
I dance with him who is the author of my life
I dance with the spirit that flows through my body
I dance with the opportunities penetrating my heart
At times my mind is darkened
At that time I see:
and 1 opportunity
to dance with words
sing with grace
defeat all odds
to accept the golden ticket to my eternity and purpose
as my world spins
time winds down
voices are strange
spirits are quick
and footprints are non-impactful and dominant
I lock eyes with eternity
grab hold of trials
give the middle finger to the devil
for the creator dances with me
holds onto me; I am not alone
And God extends his hand asking me one question
“may I have this dance”
This will not break you.
Tears flow and your will thoughts run
I feel like I’m ready to explode
I’m crying tears of uncertainty
Tears of repentance
Tears of acceptance
Acceptance that my eyes will water, and sometimes for days
But I hear God say. “my beloved that’s okay”
I cry yearning for a friend to cry with me
I cry with questions wondering, when will this fight be over
I cry joy because I know in the midst of my darkness, I’ve already overcome
I created a river with my tears, and I’m floating down to a new beginning
I can see a light, piercing the clouds, making silent noises through a purple and orange sunset
I know the night is coming, soon I’ll be able to rest and awaken to DAY
A new day filled with different tears for different reasons
A new day to fight, express, and expand on my gifts, my calling and to continue to develop: my purpose
I cry, yes I cry
But God says to me, in the quiet of the night
Your life will not be lived in vain
Your struggle will not be forgotten
Often those who carry the greatest calling will spend the most time a.l.o.n.e
Rest in my bosom, take a deep breath
You see it, you feel it, just keep fighting it, you’re almost there.
Lives will be touched, there is a revival in your story
The blind will see their self-worth and purpose
The deaf will hear, their name called with authority
The lame, will get up and walk, and begin their journey
The hungry will be feed with truth
The lonely ones, (like yourself) will walk with me by their side
Fresh oil will flow, flowers will grow in winter
You bring new life, new energy, just keep me your (God) at your center
In all things keep God at your center
Your prayers may not sound perfect
You won’t comprehend every scripture
But that’s okay, for I see your heart, I notice your intent
I’m with you, I live inside of you
I’m your Father, Friend
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you
Not a day goes by when I don’t want to take away every ache and pain
But, if I did, you would not have learned, and you’d have no authority and no passion
I’m with you, my beloved, you’re my child
Abba is for you
Abba is with you
Abba will guide you
This will not break you.
A conversation with HE, about bipolar disorder!
Stranger: Why are you crying?
Me: Because, I was just fired from a job.
Stranger: I’m sorry, I’ll cry too.
Me: No smile, I need more smiles, for my tears sometimes are endless.
Stranger: If you don’t mind telling me, why where you fired?
Me: Because, I am reaching stability, and what that means for me, is not enough for the the business world. You see, I’m bipolar, and I take medication four times a day, to help keep my mood stable, to help keep my thoughts calm, to control my anxiety and ease my psychosis.
Me: I started a job, and was fired three days in because I was not fast enough due to my medication. I explained to my boss that this job helps pay for insurance to pay for my medical bills, and pay for my medicine; his response “It’s a business”
Stranger: That’s not fair. What do you think?
Me: I’m not normal, I have limitations. I will always need medication. I will always need some type of mental health assistance. This is the hand, I was dealt. This is the hand I accept, and I wouldn’t change it, because it has shaped me into the scholar I am becoming, into the partner I dream of becoming, made me hard working, made me motivated and given me hope. You see after every episode I give God praise, because I believe it’s through him I made it through. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel better a lot sooner.
Stranger: Wow, you’re strong. I’ll take my tears back then. I’ll give you a smile. You’re stronger than what people give you credit for, and all it took was a conversation. What about fear, anger? Yes, what about them?
Me: What about them? I cried not because I lost the job because I felt fear that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself anymore. I fear I would run out of medication, not be able to see my providers and then be hospitalized; sent home with a bill I can’t pay back. I cried from the anxiety of the unknown. Then I remembered bible scriptures and confirmed my faith, and I realized, I’ve faced this before and my needs were meet. I need to focus on not entering a depression episode. God has me. He will provide for me. I will not lack. It’s the faith, that is based on things I cannot see, in a time a chaos and uncertainty. I’ve made it through homelessness, abuse, rape, neglect, and foster care. I will find another job.
Stranger: Wow. You can get a hug. Stay strong my brother! You got this, be anxious for nothing but in all things pray; be not worried about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough concerns of it’s own. I’m watching over you, I’m protecting you. I’m shielding you, and I have something in mind that’s better for you. Keep your faith in me, and I will not let you go wrong. Now Rest!
Me: Who are you?
Stranger: I am HE!
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